In the midst of a sleepless night, I find myself battling with my anxiety. My partner enters the room, attempting to comfort me while our children, also unwell, wreak havoc on a cherished family keepsake. “You should really get some rest,” he suggests. “You’ll feel better if you do.”
I push his arm away and fling the covers off. “I can’t sleep. I keep fixating on the socks I ordered.”
He looks puzzled. “Socks?”
“The knee-high ones I bought for the boys on Amazon. I can’t shake the feeling of dread surrounding them. Every time a lyric from Hamilton pops into my head, I get hit with another wave of panic. It’s relentless.”
“But you love Hamilton!”
“It doesn’t have to make sense. I think I might need a prescribed Xanax.”
This is generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), often simply referred to as an anxiety disorder. GAD causes worry over a myriad of topics, from social situations to global issues like traffic fatalities or environmental concerns. Sometimes, it’s the smaller, everyday fears that take hold.
Everyday Anxieties
Take, for example, the anxiety that grips me at the thought of my car failing to start in the morning. It happened once, two years ago, and despite knowing I can call for roadside assistance, the worry lingers. I approach the vehicle with trepidation, holding my breath until the engine roars to life. This ritual repeats itself each morning as I prepare to shuttle the kids to school.
Then there are the playdates at the park. I dread being the first to arrive. I know the other parents will eventually show up, yet the anticipation fills me with dread. Leaving the house early to avoid being late means I face the possibility of sitting alone with my children, which is a terrifying thought. What will they do without other kids? What will I do without adults to converse with? The thought of sitting on my phone feels disheartening, yet I can’t bear the idea of pushing them on the swings either.
Parental Worries
My worries extend to my children’s upbringing. I fret over whether they have too many toys, fearing it might stifle their creativity. But taking toys away feels harsh. I worry they watch too much television, yet I recognize the calming effect it has on them. I’m constantly anxious about their well-being, from mismatched socks to peanut butter smudges on their faces. For someone grappling with GAD, parenting can feel like navigating a minefield of potential disasters.
Household Anxiety
Laundry presents another source of anxiety. Piles of unwashed clothes loom over me, a constant reminder of my perceived failures. Sorting them requires immense effort, often aided by a prescribed Klonopin. The fear of what others may think, including the babysitter, adds to the pressure. I joke about my chaotic home, but inside I’m worried about the judgments that might come my way.
Speaking of babysitters, the thought of leaving my children in someone else’s care is fraught with anxiety. I worry they’ll deem my home unfit for children, leading me to clean obsessively before their arrival. I plead with them to keep the kids out of trouble, fearing the worst scenarios.
Living with GAD
Ultimately, living with GAD means being enveloped by fears that often don’t align with reality. While I know that my worries may seem irrational, they feel very real to me. It’s crucial to understand that no amount of logic will ease these feelings; we simply endure them, one anxious thought at a time.
For many who struggle with anxiety, medication can provide relief, as can therapeutic conversations. A supportive hug from a friend can also make a world of difference. It’s not about fully understanding the anxiety; it’s about sharing in the experience, and sometimes even helping with the laundry.
Conclusion
In summary, living with an anxiety disorder is a complex and often overwhelming experience. Support, understanding, and appropriate treatment are vital in managing the daily challenges that arise.
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