As I drive my son, Jake, to the movies, just the two of us, he poses a question that stirs reflection: “Mom, are most divorced parents like you and Dad, or do they usually dislike each other?” In this rare moment alone together, I cherish the chance to connect with him and delve into his thoughts.
“I’m not sure, what do you think?” I reply, curious about his perspective.
“I think most divorced people hate each other,” he says, animatedly sharing stories from school about friends who feel stuck in the middle of their parents’ disputes. He describes kids acting as messengers, adults arguing on calls, and peers grappling with serious anxiety. After all, he’s in seventh grade.
“Why don’t you and Dad argue like that?” he inquires, a question I receive frequently, often from adults who seek to understand the amicable rapport my ex-husband Mark and I share. They seem to expect some kind of extraordinary explanation for our friendly co-parenting.
In reality, our divorce was not easy. We both experienced pain and disappointment, feeling as if we had failed at building a family. I take a deep breath and decide to share the truth with Jake. “Dad and I don’t fight because we chose to make our divorce a singular wound.”
Jake looks at me skeptically, so I elaborate. “When we ended our marriage, we recognized it would hurt all three of you. We faced a choice: we could either wound you repeatedly through ongoing conflict or hurt you once and then work on our own paths to happiness. Some parents inflict pain on their kids by staying together despite their unhappiness, while others continue to harm their families by arguing post-separation — over custody arrangements, vacations, and even clothing.”
He’s engaged, listening intently.
I reveal to him for the first time that there were months when Mark and I didn’t communicate after our separation. I share snippets of our past arguments, often held in hushed tones after the kids were asleep. Yet, we always agreed on one critical aspect: the divorce would be the only significant hurt we caused our children. This commitment was a goal we established in therapy while our marriage unraveled. Even during our disagreements, which I know he witnesses firsthand, we remained united on this front.
“Dad and I might not see eye to eye on everything,” I explain. “We’re two different people with distinct parenting styles. You know that better than anyone, living with both of us. Yet, the most important thing we agree on is you. We co-parent because it’s what’s best for you.”
“Dad and I care too much about you to let hatred come between us,” I remind him. “If I were to harbor anger towards your dad, I’d essentially be resenting part of you. Allowing bitterness to fill my heart would taint the joyful memories of our marriage and the beginnings of my journey into motherhood.
Of course, I’m human and not devoid of negative feelings. My memories with Mark aren’t exclusively happy, and I often disagree with him, even when we present a united front for the kids. I can sense the tension in his voice when he feels I’m being too pushy. Our shared history is complex, marked by hurt and frustration, and yes, we are divorced. We chose to part ways, but we also chose to co-parent.
Regardless of our differences, we’ve committed to working together for our children’s well-being. This commitment is what keeps us linked as a family. Mark and I didn’t fail to create a family by divorcing; rather, our dedication to co-parenting means we will always be connected, striving to ensure our children’s happiness.
Peaceful co-parenting can feel like a distant goal, especially if you’re not there yet. I understand; we weren’t always in this place either. Yet, it’s achievable, even for couples who have been through the worst. Start small; focus on loving your children, and take that first step.
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Summary:
This article discusses the importance of prioritizing a child’s well-being over personal grievances with an ex-spouse. It highlights the challenges of divorce while emphasizing the commitment to peaceful co-parenting despite differences. The narrative illustrates how love for children can guide divorced parents to work together for their family’s happiness.
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