Throughout my marriage, I’ve never needed a compelling reason to retain my maiden name. It simply felt like an unnecessary step in merging our separate lives.
Contrary to what some may believe, my decision was not a bold feminist statement or a rebellion against patriarchal norms—though I wholeheartedly support dismantling the patriarchy. I just couldn’t find a strong enough rationale to change it, so I opted not to.
My husband was indifferent to my choice. We even entertained the idea of him adopting my last name or us inventing a completely new surname together. While our parents were less than thrilled by that notion, I still think it would have been fun to be known as the Parkers or the Johnsons. Imagine the holiday cards!
In terms of tradition, keeping my last name has had no bearing on my relationship. I feel as connected to my husband as anyone could. The morning after our wedding, I sensed a subtle shift between us that had nothing to do with the newfound freedom of sharing a bed at my parents’ house. Sure, I still get frustrated when he misplaces things, and he rolls his eyes when I insist on discussing my entire life story before 8 a.m.—isn’t that what marriage is really about?
My identity has always felt intertwined with my name, so why change it? I’ve achieved milestones with my name: I graduated high school, earned a college degree, and became a master’s level physical therapist. My name and I have a shared history, including memorable trips together, and we won’t delve into all those escapades.
Once, a friend asked, “Doesn’t it bother you that your children don’t share your last name?” I was puzzled. Why would it? They emerged from me, literally relying on me for nourishment for over a year. They call my name thousands of times daily, and I struggle to find moments of privacy! I couldn’t feel closer to them unless we were physically attached.
What about the perception of not being a family? I don’t share a last name with my sister, yet we are in constant communication, discussing every trivial detail of our lives. She remains as much my family as anyone with whom I share a surname.
And regarding the concern that airline workers might suspect I’m abducting my children—sure, that thought crosses my mind occasionally. However, I’ve never encountered any confusion while traveling or enrolling them in school. It simply hasn’t been an issue, even after nearly two decades of marriage.
It’s astonishing that a significant number of Americans believe women should be legally mandated to adopt their husband’s surname. Why does it matter what others choose? If it feels right to take his name, do it. If it feels right to remain single, go for it. Live your life on your terms, whether that means moving to Botswana while your partner stays in Florida, engaging in regular video calls. That’s the key to happiness.
If you’re preparing for marriage and haven’t made a decision about your surname, remember it’s one of the least pressing matters. Don’t feel pressured, and know that you can change your mind later. Save your energy for more significant topics, like teaching your partner about laundry and toilet etiquette. But if their last name is Bond, by all means, change it!
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Summary
Retaining one’s maiden name after marriage can be a personal choice rooted in identity and independence. Many women find that their connection to their children and family remains strong despite differing surnames. Ultimately, it’s essential to prioritize personal happiness over societal expectations.
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