Every parent dreads hearing those words from a teacher: “Can we talk for a moment… in private?” As I follow the preschool instructor out of the bright playroom, I can’t help but feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. Parents and their chatty toddlers pass by, while I stand awkwardly, my back pressed against a gardening cart, feeling entirely out of place.
“There’s been a biting incident today,” the teacher informs me, her sympathetic expression confirming my worst fear—it was my child who did the biting. I feel frozen, not knowing what to say as my mind races. My youngest, Emily, is the first of my children to exhibit this behavior, and as I grapple with my emotions, I realize it isn’t just embarrassment or shock I’m feeling—it’s shame.
How did I become the parent of a biter? What am I doing wrong? In parenting, there are moments when it feels like all your hard work is overshadowed by one unexpected incident. Biting is certainly one of those moments, ranking among the most distressing behaviors a young child can display. It’s not that Emily isn’t a sweet girl who says “please” and “thank you” or loves to share her toys; she’s simply acquired a new label: The Biter.
When your child engages in biting, it can feel like a colossal failure on your part as a parent. We often take our children’s actions personally, interpreting them as reflections of our parenting skills. A forgotten “thank you,” an unkind word, or a bite can lead us to question our effectiveness as parents. My girls have done their fair share of things I’ve tried to correct, and yet, here we are, facing this.
As an experienced mother, I understand that such behaviors often stem from a child’s struggle to manage their emotions or push boundaries. Essentially, they’re feeling overwhelmed and frustrated in a challenging situation. I logically know that biting is a physical expression of a toddler’s frustration. After all, navigating language development, social interactions, and new routines can be overwhelming for a small child. On days when emotions run high, some toddlers might just think, “Forget using my words—I’m going for my teeth!”
According to the American Psychological Association, biting is a typical developmental behavior in children aged three and under. However, that knowledge doesn’t lessen the discomfort I feel as I think about how the parents of the child Emily bit must feel.
Rational explanations can’t outweigh the societal pressures we face as parents. We strive for our children to behave appropriately, even at a young age. Yet, preschoolers often exhibit behaviors that can resemble those of wild animals rather than civilized beings.
After gathering my thoughts, I finally manage to apologize to the teacher, expressing our commitment to encouraging Emily to use her words. I need her to see that I’m a caring mother. I inquire about the circumstances surrounding the incident—was Emily provoked? I instinctively want to defend both her and myself.
The teacher explains: while lining up, another child accidentally pushed Emily. In her frustration, she resorted to biting instead of verbal communication. This context provides some clarity, yet it doesn’t erase the shame I carry with me.
Upon returning to the classroom, I find Emily happily constructing a tower of blocks. “Mama!” she exclaims, running to hug my leg. “I was sad today.” I gently comfort her, recognizing that I must not project my feelings of guilt onto her. She’s simply a young child learning and growing—an ongoing process that requires time, patience, and guidance.
As I prepare to reach out to the other child’s mother, I remember that a little understanding from another parent can go a long way in helping us forgive ourselves for these challenging moments.
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Summary:
Dealing with a biting incident can be a distressing experience for parents, often eliciting feelings of embarrassment and shame. Understanding that such behavior stems from a child’s inability to manage emotions can help alleviate some of the guilt parents feel. By fostering a supportive environment and encouraging positive communication, parents can guide their children through these developmental challenges.
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