As a parent, I frequently find myself grappling with self-doubt. Am I making the right choices? Am I falling short for my children? Am I a good mother? It’s rare to find parents who feel they have everything figured out, and even fewer can claim they had an exemplary model in their own upbringing. Most of us identify areas where we would do things differently.
In my case, I had role models too—just not the kind you’d typically aspire to emulate. My parents exemplified what not to do when raising children.
From a young age, I sensed that my arrival into their lives was less than welcome. My existence was marked by the realization that I was an unexpected consequence of their relationship, appearing at a time that was less than ideal for either of them. This early awareness fostered feelings of being unwanted, not due to a lack of affection expressed through hugs or verbal affirmations, but rather because of a pervasive sense of obligation. Love, to me, felt like a transactional arrangement—something akin to “We’re here together, so I guess we must love each other,” rather than a genuine emotional connection.
When my parents divorced during my kindergarten years, I never felt responsible for the split. I understood my parents were incompatible, each drowning in their own unhappiness. My mother, ambitious yet overwhelmed, often directed her frustrations toward me, while my father, with grand aspirations hindered by his own insecurities, frequently vanished from our lives, only to resurface sporadically. My mother’s family regularly criticized him, labeling him a terrible father, which only added to the chaos surrounding my childhood.
Post-divorce, my mother had custody of us, while my father’s sporadic presence made it evident that he didn’t truly want the responsibility of raising children. My mother struggled against a tide of debt left by my father and fought to complete her education, leaving her little time or energy for nurturing. This strain manifested in her treatment of me, as she projected her pain onto my young shoulders.
I acknowledge that parenting can be incredibly challenging, and I, too, have lost my temper with my kids at times. However, I consciously strive to avoid the kind of damaging comments I endured as a child. I know how it feels to hear a parent express their anger in a way that leaves deep emotional scars. I understand the loneliness that can accompany the feeling of being unwanted, especially when one parent seems to escape while the other feels trapped.
My parents provided a clear example of how to not parent effectively. They demonstrated that love must be actively expressed and felt, rather than just stated. I am determined to show my children daily that they are cherished and wanted. I refuse to take for granted that merely saying “I love you” suffices; it must be backed by consistent actions.
No matter the circumstances in my life, I make it a priority to affirm my love for my children from the moment they wake until they drift off to sleep. I love you, I love you, I love you—these words echo throughout our days. My kids know I make mistakes, but they never question my love for them. Everything I do for them stems from genuine affection, not obligation. I chose to be their mother, and I want them to feel that certainty in every aspect of our lives.
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In summary, my parents were not the ideal role models for parenting, but their shortcomings have shaped my approach to raising my own children. I strive to provide them with the love and support I felt was missing in my childhood, ensuring that they never doubt their worth.
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