As we navigate the complexities of parenting, our household has reached a challenging stage. My eldest has grown old enough to be held to the standards of a “big kid,” while my younger children still enjoy the benefits of being considered “too little” for real responsibilities. This is a legitimate phase, right? Let’s agree it is.
Just a few nights ago, while finishing up our delightful dessert of strawberries with a sprinkle of “magic dust” (which probably sounds more dubious than intended), I found myself issuing commands to my sons to tidy up the pillow fortress they had created between their beds.
“Can you boys start cleaning up, please?”
This request was nothing new. The rule is clear: if you create a mess, you must clean it up. However, on this particular evening, my sons were not receptive.
“We don’t want to!”
“Will you help us?”
“We’re going to use it again tomorrow!”
While my instinct urged me to respond with a firm “I don’t care!” I took a moment to reflect. I realized my mistake: I had uttered the two words my partner and I had decided to eliminate from our parenting vocabulary long ago: “Can you…”
In that moment, I had mistakenly turned a non-negotiable task into a question, and they responded accordingly—just not in the way I had hoped.
In our household, we typically frame requests differently:
“Hey, I need you to help clear the table, please.”
“But I’m in the middle of building my Lego fortress so Batman can defeat the villains!”
“That’s great! First, let’s clear the table. Do you want to handle the plates or the cups?”
What follows is often a dramatic pause, eye-rolling, and some foot stomping. Eventually, they concede, “Cups.”
“Great! Let’s work together on this, and then you can get back to your Lego fortress!”
You might find this approach reminiscent of special education techniques, and you’re absolutely correct! The premise is simple: by offering safe choices, children learn decision-making while still adhering to parental guidelines. Instead of asking “Can you…,” we say, “You can…” and provide two viable options. This way, no one feels like they’ve lost agency.
While we do face resistance and the occasional tantrum, we often manage to navigate these moments effectively. Over time, our kids have learned that we will only present them with choices we believe are beneficial for them. This builds a foundation of trust that we hope carries through to the teenage years, particularly when discussing safe choices at social gatherings.
Though I lack extensive data to back this up, it stands to reason that if we empower our kids to make safe decisions early on, these skills will likely persist into adulthood. Of course, fostering this sense of autonomy must occur within an environment filled with unconditional love, support, and plenty of enthusiasm for Lego building.
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In summary, steering clear of the phrase “Can you…” has transformed our family dynamics. By providing choices, we encourage decision-making that respects our authority while empowering our children—a balance crucial for their development.
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