This morning, as I struggled to open a package for a bar of soap, I felt my frustration boil over. My thoughts spiraled: Why can’t anyone else see we need a new bar of soap? Why is this packaging so absurd? I simply don’t have the time to deal with a bar of soap that’s a chore to open.
It was just soap, yet it felt like an insurmountable task, igniting a surge of anger within me. This is just a glimpse of how my anxiety manifests itself daily. Since stepping into motherhood, I’ve fought a constant battle against the anger that often accompanies my responsibilities at home. It’s not uncommon for me to lash out, yell, or, in the worst moments, create an uncomfortable atmosphere for those I love most.
No one wants to be the angry mom, least of all me. The guilt that floods in after these outbursts can be overwhelming. There are times when I question my abilities as a mother, wondering if my children would be better off with someone who doesn’t let little things—like a lost shoe—spiral into a whirlwind of frustration. I often find myself wishing they wouldn’t witness my tears after I say something hurtful or lose my temper over minor incidents. They’re just kids, navigating their own world, not purposefully trying to annoy me.
I hate having to apologize repeatedly for my outbursts and seeking forgiveness from those who matter most to me. I long for the ease of being calm, for cooking dinner not to trigger a wave of self-loathing and overreacting. Anxiety isn’t merely about stress or panic attacks; for me, it often stems from feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities, leading to angry, cutting words and an abundance of sorrys.
In those heated moments, controlling my emotions feels impossible. The angry words escape my mouth before I can even think. My mind races through a never-ending to-do list associated with motherhood, and it takes almost nothing to set me off. As an anxious person, I often wake up at 4 a.m. mentally preparing for the day ahead, which leaves me drained and overwhelmed by the demands of parenting. This fatigue intensifies my irritability, making me feel unjustly angry at the world.
Growing up in a home where I often felt uneasy, I want to provide my children with a safe space, not a place where they have to worry about my reactions to their mistakes. It breaks my heart to see them look at me with apprehension, hoping I won’t explode over a spilled bowl of cereal. Acknowledging this reality is painful.
I want my family to know how deeply I love them. When I act like a jerk, it’s not directed at them. In those moments, what I often need most is compassion—a hug or kind words. Thankfully, my children are forgiving. I wish I could convey that my desire to give them the best only amplifies my anxiety, leaving me feeling overwhelmed. They deserve a mother who can handle spilled milk without losing her cool, who can navigate daily challenges without therapy or medication.
However, I’ve come to realize that when you love an angry, anxious person, the natural response might be to withdraw or avoid them during those outbursts. I understand this reaction; I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of my anger either.
Behind that anger lies a deep sadness—a sadness at not being able to manage my emotions and hurting those I cherish most. I genuinely do not aim to be hurtful, even if it appears that way. This sadness fuels my desire to improve, even when it feels out of reach.
I’m actively working on managing my anger. Some days are better than others. I utilize the coping strategies I learned in therapy, and I take medication that helps smooth out the rough edges. I strive to embrace a more positive parenting approach, letting go of triggers that heighten my anxiety. I’ve learned the importance of saying “I’m sorry” and have discovered peace in acknowledging my truth: my anxiety can lead to anger and irritability with my loved ones. Fortunately, they are often willing to forgive me, time and time again. I just hope that I can find a way to forgive myself as well.
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Summary:
Navigating motherhood with anxiety can often lead to feelings of anger and frustration. The struggle to manage these emotions can create a challenging environment for both the mother and her children. Acknowledging this reality is crucial, as is the desire for understanding and forgiveness. With the right strategies and support, it’s possible to create a more peaceful home life.
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