Yesterday morning, I took my child, Alex, to the orthodontist to pick up a new retainer. This was a replacement for the one our dog, Bella, decided to chew up. Bella, who typically spends her days napping, surprised us by jumping onto the counter to snag Alex’s retainer. It was a heartbreaking moment for Alex, who had always been diligent about taking care of it. After securing the first replacement for free, we eventually had to pay for a second. Now, here I was, preparing for yet another trip to the orthodontist.
While checking out, I recalled that it was almost July, and we needed to schedule an appointment for my youngest, who would soon require braces, just like their siblings. “Sure, what’s your child’s name?” the receptionist asked.
“Alex,” I replied, omitting their birth name, Alexander. Lately, Alex has been delighted when referred to as a girl, as evidenced by a recent encounter at a restaurant. When the server asked if my “daughter” wanted a drink, Alex smiled and didn’t mind the mix-up. However, they’re clear about not wanting to be a girl or transition.
Understanding gender identity is a complex journey, especially in a world that often insists on binary distinctions. In our city, where we frequently encounter familiar faces, Alex had previously gone by he/him/his pronouns. It wasn’t until fifth grade that they began presenting more femininely, embracing traditionally feminine clothing and styles. However, despite this presentation, Alex remains a boy at heart, and I still refer to them as my son.
Children can’t simply relocate to escape their identity, unlike adults who might seek anonymity. Young children often face blunt questions from peers: “Are you a boy or a girl?” Adults tend to be more discreet, yet the ramifications of gendered practices in schools are pervasive. The constant division into “boys” and “girls” during activities and interactions can be harsh reminders for non-binary children that their identity is often overlooked.
As I talked with the receptionist, she asked, “When’s his birthday?” The use of “his” made me pause. I knew it was time for a conversation. My child, who prefers to avoid the spotlight, sensed the shift and asked to wait in the car. Realizing this was a good moment to honor Alex’s identity, I handed them the car keys and agreed.
I leaned closer to the receptionist and said, “Actually, Alex is non-binary and uses ‘they/them’ pronouns.” She looked puzzled, tilting her head and raising an eyebrow. “I know this might feel awkward,” I reassured her, “but I appreciate your understanding in updating your records.”
She nodded, and after a moment of hesitation, asked, “So should I refer to Alex as ‘she’?” I replied, “No. Alex is non-binary, not male or female.” The conversation continued, with me explaining that although Alex was assigned male at birth, their gender expression is not tied to a binary identity.
I attempted to clarify that Alex might be exploring their gender identity without transitioning at this point. The receptionist seemed to grasp the concept a bit more and noted that they hadn’t encountered any patients who identified as non-binary before. I joked, “Well, now you have! What do we win for being first?”
Despite the lightheartedness, we still hadn’t resolved how to list Alex’s pronouns. I could sense her uncertainty regarding the options available in her system. As I filled the silence, I inadvertently suggested that Alex might be too young to make decisions about their identity, perpetuating outdated misconceptions about gender identity that suggest children cannot understand themselves.
Both receptionists nodded sympathetically, and I felt their validation, yet I wanted to clarify that this isn’t about confusion but about identity. “It shouldn’t be this complicated,” one of them acknowledged. After a thoughtful moment, she decided to note Alex’s pronouns in the system for the orthodontist’s reference.
After finalizing the appointment, I expressed gratitude for their openness and willingness to learn. As I left, I reflected on how I should have sought out a more inclusive orthodontist for Alex. I have a short list of trans-friendly practitioners, but it didn’t cross my mind this time. At least, I thought, this experience might pave the way for future families navigating similar situations.
As I reached the car, I realized it had taken a significant amount of time to discuss pronouns—not the “quick, in-and-out” appointment I had promised my child. When Alex returned, they casually commented on the delay as I avoided mentioning the lengthy conversation about their identity.
In a world where acceptance can vary, it’s crucial to create spaces where all identities are recognized and respected, allowing children like Alex to feel seen and understood. For more on pregnancy and home insemination, check out our article on using an at-home insemination kit. And for those looking for expert advice on fertility treatments, visit this excellent resource on the topic: Fertility Treatments.
Summary:
This article explores the journey of a parent navigating the complexities of their non-binary child’s identity. It highlights the challenges faced in everyday situations, such as medical appointments, where societal norms often enforce gender binaries. The author emphasizes the importance of understanding and acceptance while encouraging open conversations about gender identity.
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