In the realm of parenting, I’ve frequently encountered the belief that “If you give kids a little freedom, they’ll take advantage of it.” There are also claims that “Parents today are too lenient,” or warnings that “Just wait until they hit their teenage years; they’ll take over.” After 17 years of parenting, I’ve seen these sentiments echoed countless times, especially in response to parents who allow their children to make their own sandwiches or negotiate their bedtimes.
While I understand the concerns surrounding permissive parenting, I also recognize that authoritarian approaches can be equally limiting. There exists a balanced approach between chaos and strict control, and that’s where my family thrives.
Our Bedtime Routine
Consider our bedtime routine. I once firmly enforced a 7:30 PM bedtime, but as our two youngest children, aged 8 and 12, have grown, we’ve adapted. They enjoy reading and sharing stories late into the night, a time when their creativity blossoms. As long as they get adequate rest, we’ve embraced their natural tendencies.
Consulting Our Children
My partner and I prioritize consulting our children on various matters. We actively seek their opinions and genuinely consider their perspectives. Sometimes their reasoning may be simply “because!” which signals that it’s time to pause until they can articulate a more coherent argument. However, when they present logical explanations, we engage in discussions that respect their viewpoints.
For instance, when my daughter requests extra screen time because she’s working on a book, we agree. However, if my son argues that he should have the same amount simply because his sister does, we take the opportunity to explain the distinction between writing and gaming, along with the lesson that life isn’t always equitable.
Valuing Their Voices
It’s crucial for our kids to feel that their voices matter. While they may not always get their way, they know their thoughts and feelings are acknowledged. This process also fosters valuable negotiation skills that will serve them well in the future.
Flexibility in our parenting style also encourages our children to be adaptable. A rigid, authoritarian approach does not prepare them for the complexities of the real world, which is dynamic and requires emotional and mental agility. Innovation and creativity are vital for future success, and too much rigidity can stifle those qualities.
A Balanced Approach
Moreover, this flexible approach helps us avoid taking life too seriously. While discipline is important, it doesn’t need to pervade every facet of our home. I have no desire to run our household like a military boot camp, which I believe my children would also oppose.
It’s not a matter of avoiding conflict or struggling to say no. We certainly do set limits, and our children express frustration at times. If they become overly emotional, I am willing to pause the conversation and allow them to gather their thoughts. However, I don’t automatically dismiss their feelings as unreasonable simply because they are children.
Final Authority with Respect
Ultimately, my partner and I retain the final authority, but that doesn’t preclude us from valuing our children’s input in decision-making. They can offer insightful solutions when included in the problem-solving process.
So yes, we may give our kids a little leeway, sometimes even more than that. Surprisingly, they don’t take advantage of it as one might expect. Our children understand respect because they’ve been raised in an environment that fosters mutual respect. As our oldest approaches her teenage years and our youngest prepares to enter them, both demonstrate a commendable level of respect and understanding.
Our adaptable parenting style has proven effective for our family, enabling us to maintain strong connections with our children while equipping them with essential life skills. With the positive outcomes we’ve observed, I would wholeheartedly choose this path again if given the chance.
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Summary
We take a democratic approach to parenting, fostering open communication and flexibility rather than strict authority. This method helps our children feel valued and respected while preparing them for the real world. By incorporating their opinions into family decisions, we build strong relationships and equip them with vital skills for the future.
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