A while back, my partner, Jake, and I made the decision to separate. It was a mutual choice, and even though it felt right at the time, the weeks that followed were incredibly tough. Looking back on that year, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of love, loss, and the importance of letting go.
Jake and I are now navigating this new chapter as friends while raising our three kids. We live nearby, and I even get along well with his new girlfriend. We occasionally catch up over lunch, sharing updates about our lives and the kids. Just last weekend, when he dropped the kids off, he stayed for dinner. As the evening went on, we exchanged glances that conveyed we were both ready for him to leave, but there was an unspoken acknowledgment that we are prioritizing what’s best for our family, and that feels good.
Our arrangement may seem unconventional to some, and I’ve heard comments questioning why we’re not together anymore. Initially, these remarks threw me off balance, making me reconsider our choice. Should we be trying to work it out just because we don’t harbor hatred yet? Do we have something salvageable?
But now, I can chuckle at those thoughts. The truth is, we’re not making a mistake by getting a divorce; rather, we are preserving what we still have by stepping away. Spending a few hours together over a meal is completely different from sharing a home. There are plenty of people I enjoy being around, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend my life with them.
It’s entirely possible to like someone without wanting to be married to them. While that can be confusing, our current feelings prove that we can maintain a connection while leading separate lives. We will always be linked through our children, and the love we share for them overshadows any lingering anger we might have towards each other. One of the reasons we’ve managed to set aside negative feelings is that we are no longer a couple.
In many ways, we still feel like a family, and I consider that a blessing. We could have tried harder to stay together, but we both agree that it would have likely destroyed whatever was left and made our situation unbearable.
It might sound odd, but there are parents who can genuinely like each other and tolerate a few hours together, even if they shouldn’t stay married. Some couples recognize when it’s time to part ways before resentment sets in and further damages whatever good remains. They realize that the best way to protect their relationship is to separate, and that doesn’t mean they’ve given up or taken the easy route; it simply means they chose a different path.
Of course, some couples manage to rekindle that spark and save their marriage. We, unfortunately, weren’t one of them, even though we wanted to be. When you’ve exhausted all efforts and both know you can’t continue, you should absolutely consider walking away if that’s what it takes for your well-being. Being able to communicate civilly, grab lunch occasionally to discuss the kids, and even feel happy for each other’s progress is a huge win.
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In summary, Jake and I chose to separate before our relationship soured. We’ve forged a new friendship while co-parenting, and our love for our kids keeps us connected. It’s a unique situation, but it works for us.
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