My Restraining Order Was More Than Just a Piece of Paper

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So, I recently shared my experience about how it was easier for me to buy a gun than to get a restraining order. I anticipated some pushback, especially from those who think women should just stay quiet, but I didn’t expect to see a barrage of comments claiming, “a restraining order is just a piece of paper.” Seriously, where does this nonsense come from? It’s one of those myths that have permeated our culture, like the idea that Napoleon was short or that touching a baby bird will lead to its mother rejecting it.

That wasn’t even my main point. I was trying to highlight that while past domestic violence convictions can indicate a higher risk for serious violent acts, the reality is that many men who abuse women are never convicted. Thus, we should make it more challenging for them to access guns. Simply relying on previous convictions isn’t cutting it when it comes to preventing tragedies like mass shootings. Instead, it seems everyone jumped to the conclusion that the answer is to arm yourself because the government isn’t going to protect you with a piece of paper.

Come on, people! The U.S. isn’t an isolated island. There are plenty of developed countries we can look to for comparisons. Statistics are useful tools that can help us understand the bigger picture. Yet, here I am, repeating myself, because it seems some folks just don’t want to confront the truth. If you’re one of those people, feel free to skip ahead to my FAQ section designed just for you.

Here’s the deal: I understand that if someone is determined to harm you, a restraining order isn’t a magical shield. That’s precisely why I ended up purchasing a gun. I also get that enforcement can be spotty. But please, don’t discourage a woman facing abuse from seeking legal protection. It shouldn’t have to feel like we’re living in a war zone because of fragile egos scared of losing their “right” to carry a gun.

And don’t tell me, someone who found real benefit from getting a restraining order, that it was worthless. Here’s why it’s so much more than just a piece of paper:

1. He actually left me alone. After just one violation where he called me, I reported it to the police. They pressed charges because that’s the purpose of restraining orders. If he had violated it again, it would have been a felony.
2. I didn’t have to deal with him at work anymore. My employer let him go after I got the restraining order. The internal affairs investigator said they couldn’t act until I had legal backing.
3. I could enforce my right to safety. When my ex sued me for wrongful termination and I had to testify, I was able to have him removed from the courtroom because of my restraining order. I didn’t want to see his face again, and thanks to that order, I got an escort to safety.
4. I didn’t have to answer this annoying question. “Why did you wait so long to report it?” This kind of victim-blaming has to stop. Until it does, it’s vital to document everything and build a solid paper trail. Trust me, mine has its own box in my closet.
5. It served as a warning to his next girlfriend. When he started acting erratically, his new girlfriend googled him, saw my restraining order, and reached out to me. I was able to provide her with information that helped her protect herself and her kids.
6. It was validating. Standing up in court and sharing my truth—despite my past shame—was empowering. The judge’s ruling confirmed that my concerns were legitimate and deserving of respect.
7. It helps you move forward. With a restraining order in place, you can join programs that protect your address from public exposure.

Now, if you’re still with me, here’s my FAQ about guns and domestic violence:

“But what if he can’t get a gun? Won’t he just hurt you with his bare hands?”

It’s alarming that instead of seeking to prevent violence, some people justify it as an unavoidable outcome. I’m pretty sure some jerk wouldn’t have been able to harm anyone if they were met with resistance.

“I’m tough; I wouldn’t cower in fear. Shouldn’t we just take him out before he can hurt us?”

Really? You think the answer is for women to have to kill someone, possibly in front of their children?

“But what if the person is someone famous? Shouldn’t we just forgive him?”

I can’t even with that logic.

“But don’t criminals just buy guns on the streets?”

I’m not talking about that. I’m focused on men who abuse their partners, not hypothetical scenarios.

“Why do you hate America? Don’t you know the rest of the world is dangerous?”

Honestly, I feel safer abroad than I do at home. In America, 93 people are killed by guns every day, and women in domestic violence situations are at an increased risk if a gun is present.

In short, telling someone not to seek a restraining order because they might still get hurt is like saying they shouldn’t wear a seatbelt because it won’t save them if they drive into a lake. It’s victim-blaming and shifts the focus away from the abuser.

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