You know that moment when your little one is shy and burrows their face into your shoulder? Picture this: my toddler, Lucy, did just that when we met her grandparents after a long six-month gap. They were excited, but Lucy? Not so much. As they reached out for her, I could practically feel her little fingers gripping my shoulder tighter. I wanted to hand her over, but it just felt wrong. Even the awkward “group hug” that ensued felt like an invasion of her space. I could sense my parents-in-law’s disappointment, thinking I was being rude for not forcing affection. I found myself saying, “She’ll warm up soon,” as if it were my job to create a little cuddle machine on command. But what if Lucy never wants to hug them? Would that break their hearts, especially after they drove 12 hours to see us?
Despite that pressure, my husband and I made a conscious choice: we won’t force our kids to hug or kiss anyone, including us, when they aren’t in the mood. Watching Lucy refuse to hug her dad sometimes stings. She hugs me all day long (maybe she’s just trying to connect back to the womb), but when it comes to him? Not so much. Even though it’s tough, we never push her to show affection.
Growing up in a polite Midwestern family, I learned to prioritize others’ feelings. I was the quintessential “good girl,” always making sure everyone felt comfortable. While I still value kindness and compassion, I’ve come to realize that insisting kids use their bodies to please others can be harmful. Forcing a reluctant child into a hug can actually send the wrong message about consent and personal boundaries.
Teaching our kids that they can choose who to hug empowers them to take control of their bodies. This is crucial for their safety, as highlighted in the Parenting Safe Children workshop. Setting boundaries around physical affection can help protect children from potential abuse. It might sound dramatic, but early lessons about personal space matter. A little girl feeling pressured to hug a relative or a boy allowing unwanted tickles can lead to dangerous situations down the line. Sure, we should learn to graciously accept gifts we don’t want, but we must never teach our children to compromise their bodily autonomy for someone else’s comfort.
Empowering our kids to decline unwanted affection could also help them navigate relationships later. It might even prevent them from feeling pressured into sex before they’re ready or from staying in unhealthy situations. When we teach them not to dismiss their own comfort for others, we’re setting them up for healthier relationships in the future.
Sure, Grandma and Grandpa might feel let down, but they can live with a wave, an air kiss, or a high-five. And who knows? Maybe next time, Lucy will run into their arms—on her terms.
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In summary, it’s crucial to allow kids the autonomy to choose their physical interactions. By doing so, we teach them about consent and personal boundaries, shaping healthier relationships in the future.
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