When my daughter, Mia, was just a baby, she had this adorable habit of shaking her tiny fists in the air as she drifted off to sleep. It was one of those involuntary newborn reflexes, but little did we know, it was her first act of defiance. Even back then, she resisted everything we tried to do. Every time we attempted to put her in a sling, she would stiffen her legs as if to escape. Whether nursing, napping, or in the car seat, she was constantly fussy. Sleep? That was a battle we were sure to lose every time. We read every baby book on sleep strategies, but nothing worked; it often took her at least an hour to finally zonk out.
Typical parenting tips just didn’t seem to apply to Mia. When she was a toddler, everyone was raving about the concept of “redirection.” The idea is simple: if your little one is fixated on something they shouldn’t have, you redirect their attention to something more appropriate. So, the theory goes, you say, “No, don’t play with those sharp scissors! Here’s a plush toy instead!” But not Mia. She would cling to the original object like it was a life raft, refusing to be distracted. It wasn’t just toys, either; she held onto her ideas with fierce determination, and as soon as she could talk, she was ready with a counterargument.
While traditional methods might work for most kids, they were a flop with Mia. But she’s not a bad kid. At school, she’s well-behaved and saves most of her spirited debates for home (which I try to see as a sign of love). Most days, she’s an absolute joy — smart, articulate, and incredibly loving. She’s passionate about her interests, treasures family time, and has a best friend she’s completely devoted to. When she finds a book series she likes, she devours it in one sitting. And at just six years old, she even taught herself to create PowerPoint presentations (no joke!).
When things go her way, she’s a delight. But the moment they don’t, watch out! She’s got a fiery temper and struggles to consider other perspectives. Now that she’s 8, her stubbornness is a bit easier to manage. Each strong-willed child has their unique traits, so there’s no universal approach, but here are a few strategies that have worked for us over the years:
1. Involve Your Strong-Willed Child in Decision-Making
When we anticipate resistance, we aim to give Mia a sense of control. For instance, when we established an allowance system, we sat down together to discuss responsibilities. She helped us type up a list and decide how to phrase things. Though we had the final say, she felt she played a role in the decision, which made a huge difference.
2. Avoid Comparing Your Child
Every child is different; some listen better than others. Just because Mia isn’t as compliant as her peers doesn’t mean I’m failing as a parent. She arrived in this world with her little fists clenched, and that’s just part of her nature.
3. Recognize the Potential in Strong-Willed Kids
Many strong-willed children grow up to be confident adults who can advocate for themselves. Think lawyers, activists, entrepreneurs. They might be fierce advocates for their beliefs, even as little ones.
4. Show Lots of Love and Praise
Mia is also my most sensitive child. She doesn’t always seek out affection, so I make it a point to shower her with love — sometimes literally wrestling her for silly kisses! When her behavior takes a turn for the worse, I find that carving out extra one-on-one time helps.
5. Manage Your Own Frustration
When arguments flare up, my intense reactions only escalate the situation. It’s easy to get frustrated with a strong-willed child, but I’ve learned to keep my emotions in check. Mindfulness, meditation, and even a glass of wine have saved my sanity. Plus, I remind myself that at least some of that stubbornness comes from me, so I try to approach her with empathy.
As Mia heads into her tween years, I know I’ll need to adapt my approach again. I just hope she continues to see her parents as a safe space — a place where she can always come to work through her feelings and ideas.
In the end, I aspire to teach her how to manage her BIG emotions while assuring her that she is loved unconditionally for the brilliant, passionate person she is.
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Summary
Navigating life with a strong-willed child can be challenging, but with the right techniques, it can also be rewarding. Involving your child in decisions, avoiding comparisons, recognizing their potential, showing love, and managing your own reactions are key strategies for success. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey!
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