As a Father Who Lost a Child, Here’s What I’m Discovering

Trigger Warning: Child Loss

home insemination kit

Let’s be real: losing a child is an unimaginable struggle. It’s hard. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Over two years ago, my partner, Sarah, and I went through the rollercoaster of IVF. After endless shots, medications, and countless doctor visits, we finally had the chance to create life. We received updates almost daily, watching as what began as multiple embryos developed into three little lives. Ultimately, we had two embryos implanted, leading us to welcome our son, Ethan.

Afterward, we faced a tough decision regarding the last embryo we had: a little girl who remained frozen, waiting. After much discussion and heartache, we decided it was time to bring her home. This journey, however, was anything but smooth. The initial steps seemed promising, but post-implantation, we received devastating news: we had lost her. I took that heartbreaking call. But we begged for a week to seek a second opinion, and thankfully, the doctors agreed.

One week later, on Halloween, we arrived for the ultrasound, still grieving but holding onto a flicker of hope. When the technician began the scan, she looked shocked—there was a heartbeat! Against all odds, our little girl was fighting. We were cautiously optimistic, and as the weeks passed, her heartbeat grew stronger.

On November 13, we saw a specialist who confirmed our baby girl’s heart was beating at a strong pace, but the doctor warned us she was developing dangerously low in Sarah’s uterus. He suggested termination to protect Sarah’s health. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, going from joy to sheer terror in what felt like an instant. I’ll never forget Sarah’s words, “So I have a few months to live. What do I do with that?”

Things worsened from there. One evening, Sarah excused herself during dinner, and moments later, I heard her scream. Panic set in as we rushed to the emergency room. Losing a baby is often abrupt and cruel. Sometimes, there’s no explanation, and as we learned, that’s part of the agony. While miscarriages happen in about 20% of pregnancies, our situation felt like an anomaly, yet we still faced the unthinkable.

In the end, we had no answers, only questions and pain. It’s a visceral hurt that tears at your heart. As a man, I felt the weight of needing to be strong for Sarah, yet I was crumbling inside. During this time, I realized I wasn’t opening up; I was bottling everything up. I wish I had known then how important it is to share your feelings.

How to Navigate This Heartbreaking Journey

So how do we navigate this heartbreaking journey and support our partners? Sarah and I spent hours in the ER, enduring the same painful questions and tests repeatedly. Moments of silence filled the air, louder than any words we could muster. Finally, the doctor brought in the ultrasound machine. The room felt heavy with anticipation. As they scanned, my heart raced, praying for a miracle. But, just days after seeing that tiny flicker of life, the screen showed stillness. There was no heartbeat.

The loss was utterly devastating. There are no words to capture that kind of grief. The next day, we had to prepare for surgery. I had to leave Sarah alone, both of us feeling the weight of our sorrow despite being in it together. The next day, at 2:45 p.m., our baby girl, whom we named Lily Grace, entered the world—not as we had dreamed, but she was here nonetheless. I wanted to give her everything, but all I could offer was the coffin that Sarah and I built together.

I’m still learning how to cope with this loss and what my role is. I know I didn’t handle things perfectly, and I’m probably still not. But here are some thoughts that may help others going through similar experiences:

1. Allow time to grieve. It’s okay to feel your emotions. You’re human. Both you and your partner need time to grieve together. It hits like a truck, so embrace it.
2. Offer assurance. Your partner may blame herself. Remind her that it’s no one’s fault. The journey of creating life is beautiful, and you were chosen to be part of it, however brief.
3. Show love simply. Emotions will be all over the place. Even if it feels one-sided at times, continue to affirm your love and commitment.
4. Remember and celebrate. Celebrate the life you created, no matter how short. Find a way to honor and remember your child, whether through a special day or a tattoo.
5. People mean well but can be clueless. You’ll encounter all sorts of unsolicited advice. Prepare for it and help shield your partner from the well-meaning but often hurtful comments.
6. Consider counseling. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness; it can provide guidance during this challenging time.
7. Be in it for the long haul. This loss will impact your lives for years. Make it known that you’re committed to facing it together.

As you navigate this heart-wrenching journey, remember that you’re not alone. Resources like Make a Mom offer valuable support for those considering at-home insemination, and you can explore how it works here. For those looking for a community, connect with others in this free sperm donor matching group.

Through this process, I’ve learned that while you can’t control everything, you can choose how to respond and support each other.

Summary

Losing a child is a profound and painful experience that no one should face alone. Sharing your emotions and supporting each other through grief is crucial. Remember to allow time to grieve, offer reassurance, show love, and seek help when needed. Celebrate your child’s life in meaningful ways, and be patient with yourselves and each other in the healing process.