Life isn’t always easy. “Stop complaining.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” “It’s not a big deal.” “Just tough it out.” “You’re okay.” “Quit bothering me!” Sound familiar? I can’t count how many times I’ve heard these phrases, and I cringe to admit that I’ve probably said similar things to my own kids. When they’re in tears over something I deem trivial, my instinct is to point out just how trivial it is.
Just the other day, my daughter came to me in tears after a spat with her brother. I dismissed her feelings, thinking it was a minor issue, especially since I was busy with work. To me, it felt like a mosquito buzzing around; annoying and nothing to get worked up over. But then I stumbled across the term “gaslighting.” It struck me—albeit with a wave of guilt—that I had been inadvertently gaslighting my kids. And it turns out, this is more common among parents than we might think.
The term “gaslighting” originates from a 1938 play titled Gas Light, where a husband manipulates the lighting in their home to make his wife doubt her sanity. He insists the lights haven’t changed, leading her to question her own reality. Essentially, gaslighting occurs when one person convinces another that their feelings or experiences are wrong or misguided.
Most parents, myself included, might be guilty of this without realizing it. We certainly don’t intend to harm our children; often, we think we’re helping by telling them to “suck it up.” We fear that if we don’t toughen them up, they’ll struggle to handle life’s inevitable challenges, and we’ll be to blame. However, just because we’ve heard these phrases repeatedly doesn’t make them right. When we dismiss our kids’ emotions, we’re invalidating their feelings. Instead of offering empathy, we suggest that their experiences and natural reactions are incorrect.
Kids look to us as their primary guides to understanding the world. When we tell them they’re wrong about their feelings, we undermine their ability to trust their own instincts. If we were in their shoes, struggling with something seemingly small, we’d likely feel just as overwhelmed. As adults, we’ve learned to navigate more significant challenges, but children don’t have that perspective yet. For them, small frustrations can feel monumental. Just imagine if my car broke down, and someone told me to “just suck it up.” I wouldn’t appreciate that!
By gaslighting our kids, we send the message that they can’t express when they’re struggling. We teach them to ignore their instincts and suppress their emotions. Over time, this can erode their self-confidence and make them hesitant to seek help in the future, fearing ridicule. This could lead to a cycle of anxiety and diminished self-worth, which won’t serve them well as they grow.
Of course, we want our children to handle life’s challenges with grace and not get bogged down by every little thing. We worry that if we don’t encourage resilience, they’ll become overly sensitive. But we need to recognize when we’re crossing the line into gaslighting territory.
Instead, we should show our kids compassion and validate their feelings, even if we don’t fully understand them. This teaches empathy and helps them manage their emotions rather than bottle them up. Eventually, they will learn to differentiate between what’s truly worth being upset about and what isn’t—all part of growing up.
How Can We Avoid Gaslighting?
We can start by genuinely listening when our kids express feelings of sadness, frustration, or discomfort. Even something as simple as not forcing them to eat when they say they’re full can be a step in the right direction. Building a strong foundation where we trust their feelings helps them feel validated and confident in themselves.
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In summary, let’s be mindful of how we respond to our children’s emotions. By validating their feelings instead of dismissing them, we’re teaching them valuable skills that will benefit them throughout their lives.
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