By: Jessica Thompson
Updated: Dec. 10, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 7, 2017
The atmosphere is perfect. The lights are dimmed, and the kids are tucked away in their beds. It feels like the universe has conspired in our favor, and my partner, Alex, and I finally have that rare moment that signals it’s time to reconnect. And when I say “reconnect,” I mean it’s time for some adult fun that we often miss out on because, let’s be honest, kids are top-tier cockblockers.
Alex is always ready to go; honestly, he could probably get excited if a strong breeze blew through the window (pun absolutely intended). He’s unfazed by my comfy sweats that could accommodate a small army or the fact that I might be on day three without a shower. But for me, finding that sexy vibe isn’t as easy. After spending most of my day in “Mom Mode,” flipping the switch to the sultry goddess I used to be is a real challenge.
It wasn’t always like this. Before I became a full-time mom, my mind didn’t constantly buzz with worries about pediatrician appointments, orthodontist bills, or packing school lunches. Now, I can’t help but stress about whether my child is developing normally or if he’ll end up living in our basement at thirty (OMG, the pressure!).
I’ll admit it—I’m a little envious of Alex’s ability to dive right in, like the captain of the cheer squad who’s always game for action. Meanwhile, my libido feels as dry as laundry fresh from the dryer. Oh, and speaking of laundry, did I remember to wash my son’s basketball jersey for tomorrow’s game? Did I mention the Scout meeting? Can I manage to juggle both? Maybe if I just set dinner in the slow cooker. What can I whip up without needing to hit the grocery store again? Didn’t I save a new recipe a few days back? Ugh, an Instant Pot would be a lifesaver.
“Think sexy thoughts,” I command myself (and ironically, my inner voice sounds a lot like the one I use to remind my kids to do their homework). But my brain, stuck in mom-mode, starts spiraling into decidedly un-sexy thoughts like, “Sure, that sounds hot, but don’t forget to thaw the chicken.” It’s almost like my mind is terrified of letting go of my responsibilities and reverting to that carefree version of myself from before kids.
I’ve scoured the internet and tried the so-called expert advice. They say to carve out extra time for hugging, kissing, and, you know, the other stuff. But it’s tough to squeeze in more when you never know how much uninterrupted time you’ll actually get. Plus, that just gives me more mental hurdles to jump over—like herding sheep—and it’s exhausting.
Some experts suggest making a plan for sex, which sounds great in theory, but in reality, it feels like just another thing to cram into my already packed schedule. Anyone with kids knows that “plans” are often just a joke. They recommend practicing mindfulness and tuning into my body, but that quickly derails into thoughts like, “I wish I didn’t have these stretch marks,” which leads me right back to remembering I need to make cupcakes for an upcoming birthday and, oh, the PTA bake sale is next week. Great.
They also suggest leaving the dishes in the sink for a bubble bath, but I know that’ll only lead to intrusive thoughts about those dirty dishes at the worst possible moment. It sometimes feels like I can’t catch a break.
But I’m determined to keep trying because I miss the old me (and I’m sure Alex does too)—the pre-parent version who didn’t worry about running low on milk during intimate moments. I want to be the version of myself who could feel the spark of his touch instead of the weight of the electric bill. Someday, I’ll figure out what works for me, even if it means first eliminating all the things that don’t.
In the meantime, I’m changing one crucial aspect: the pressure I put on myself to be instantly ready for action. It’s just not realistic anymore, and I know it doesn’t help anything. I could do it before, but my life has changed, and it’s natural for me to respond differently now. There are plenty of ways to show Alex how much I love him that don’t always involve sex.
I make sure to communicate that I’m just struggling to switch “modes” and that it’s nothing personal. I figure one day, when the kids are off on their own, I’ll have ample opportunities to greet my partner at the door with nothing but a smile. Let’s just hope my body cooperates by then!
And for anyone exploring options for starting a family, check out the Make a Mom Facebook group for support and resources. If you’re interested in at-home insemination, Make a Mom offers the only reusable option on the market, and you can see how it all works here. Plus, if you’re looking to boost male fertility, the Fertility Booster for Men is worth a look.
Summary
Transitioning from mommy mode to sexy time can be a real struggle for many parents, as the mental load of parenting often overshadows intimate moments. It’s important to communicate openly with your partner and recognize that it’s okay to not always be ready for romance. Emphasizing connection in other ways can also keep the flame alive while navigating the challenges of parenthood.
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