“Oh, he’s adorable! Are you his caregiver?”
In the early months of my son’s life, I faced this question two to three times a week. Once he began speaking, bewilderment set in when he referred to me as “Mommy.” The question shifted from “Are you the nanny?” to a puzzled look that suggested they couldn’t quite grasp my role as his mother. Even now, we still encounter those looks.
I often want to wave my arms and shout, “Yes, I’m a woman of color. Yes, I’m his mom. He came from my body, and if you ask me again if I’m his nanny, I might just lose it.” While I don’t express my frustration outwardly, it’s certainly there. This isn’t just about me; it’s a shared experience among mothers of color, especially those with mixed-race children who may not resemble them.
Recently, a video went viral featuring a little girl interrupting her father during an important live BBC interview. A visibly stressed woman rushed in to retrieve her, followed by an infant in a walker. As a work-from-home mom, I found it amusing, as I’ve been on both sides of that situation. However, many viewers jumped to label the woman as “the nanny” because she was Asian and the father was white. Once it was revealed that she was actually the mother, some argued that her demeanor led to the assumption.
Let’s not gloss over the underlying issue here: women of color are frequently labeled as “the nanny” until proven otherwise. When I’m out with my son, I often have to clarify, “Oh no, he’s mine!”
Searching stock photo sites for “mixed race family” often yields images of a white mother with a father of color. According to research, black men are twice as likely to date outside their race compared to black women, yet many women of color also have interracial relationships. It’s perplexing how, in 2023, people still see a black woman with a child who looks more like their father and immediately assume she’s the nanny or caregiver.
It’s both ignorant and insensitive to question a stranger about their child’s parentage. I can’t believe I even have to say that, but here we are. This problem is compounded by the lack of representation of mothers of color with mixed kids, leading children to ask bluntly, “Why is your son white?” While I patiently explain that his dad is white, it highlights a significant gap in teaching kids about diverse family structures.
My son is approaching school age, and I dread the questions he might face from peers. I refuse to teach him to simply tolerate intrusive inquiries. He shouldn’t have to answer “What are you?” repeatedly while just living his life. As a mother of color, especially as a black mom to a child with lighter skin, it’s a constant challenge. Yes, my son shares similarities with me, but he also resembles his father, and that’s perfectly fine. Many mixed kids navigate a spectrum of appearances and skin tones.
Recognizing that my experience as a black mom with a fair-skinned child is different from that of a white mom with mixed children isn’t defensive; it’s a reality. A white mom of mixed kids is less likely to be labeled as “nanny” or questioned about her kids’ skin tones. While it can happen, it’s not on the same scale or frequency.
This isn’t my first time discussing this topic. The tendency to invalidate the feelings of women of color in these situations is widespread: “Can’t you just be happy about your kid?” “Why does it bother you?” “Why are you so sensitive?” “I ignore it; people don’t know.” “White women experience this too.” But the pressing question remains: why do people feel entitled to ask such personal questions about my child? Compliments are welcome; however, when you cross into invasive territory regarding my son or our relationship, that’s unacceptable.
Addressing this frustrating phenomenon doesn’t make me or other women of color overly sensitive. We aren’t obligated to overlook the ignorance and curiosity of others. I am not the nanny, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
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In summary, misconceptions and assumptions can be frustrating for mothers of color, particularly when it comes to their children. It’s essential for society to recognize the diversity in family appearances and avoid jumping to conclusions based on race.
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