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When a Friend Struggles with Depression, Consider This
by Jamie Thompson
Updated: December 13, 2019
Originally Published: January 13, 2018
Photo by LaraBelova/Getty Images
It’s often said that if you place a frog in a pot of water and gradually increase the temperature, it will remain unaware of the danger until it’s too late. This grim analogy perfectly encapsulates my experience with clinical depression.
During my freshman year of college, I transformed from a bright, cheerful individual to someone engulfed in overwhelming sadness. Seemingly simple tasks morphed into monumental challenges; taking a shower felt like running a marathon, and attending class seemed impossible. It took time, but I eventually sought help, winding up in a psychiatrist’s office.
As I sat before the doctor, tears streaming down my face, I shared the heavy sadness that had crept into my life. She listened attentively and diagnosed me with clinical depression. I was that frog, oblivious to the gradual changes in my mental state. Thankfully, I’ve emerged from that dark period, but in retrospect, what stands out isn’t just how I was affected, but how my depression impacted my friendships.
Many friends, rather than embracing me during my difficult times, attempted to downplay my feelings, offer quick fixes, or ignore my struggles altogether. I don’t harbor resentment; I understand how bewildering it must have been to witness my suffering without knowing how to respond. If only I could rewind time to guide them on how to help, I would. Instead, I’m sharing that wisdom now, in hopes of aiding someone else facing a similar challenge. Supporting a friend with depression doesn’t have to be complicated; just keep a few key points in mind.
Don’t Take Their Sadness Personally
If your friend suffered a physical injury, like a broken leg, you would likely respond with empathy, understanding their irritability and the emotional toll of their pain. Depression, although invisible, is equally debilitating. If your friend seems distant or irritable, remember that it’s not a reflection of your friendship; they are genuinely unwell, and recovery is a challenging road.
Avoid the Urge to “Fix” Them
It’s natural to want to help those we care about, but trying to “fix” depression often backfires. For instance, I had friends suggest that I “count my blessings” or “exercise more” to shake off my sadness. Such suggestions only deepened my feelings of guilt and shame, as they overlooked the real struggles I was facing. I didn’t need fixing; I needed my friends to be there for me, without conditions.
Be the Friend You’ve Always Been
Your friend is unwell, but that doesn’t change their desire for your presence in their life. Continue treating them like a normal friend. Offer to grab a coffee or prepare a meal for them. Even simple gestures, like helping with chores or sending a text to check in, can mean the world. Share updates about your life—your friend likely appreciates the connection.
Reassure your friend that they remain just as valuable and interesting as they have always been. Cherish their presence because it is meaningful.
In the wise words of a beloved author, “I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has the names of people whose opinions matter to me. To be on that list, you must love me for my strengths and struggles.” Ultimately, friendship is about embracing one another—not despite our challenges, but because of them.
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Summary
Supporting a friend with depression requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to simply be present. Avoid taking their moods personally, resist the urge to “fix” them, and continue being the friend they value. Ultimately, friendship is about embracing both the strengths and struggles that come with life.
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