“Look, it’s Uncle Jamie!”
At first, I was taken aback, wondering how my brother, who lives a couple of states away, suddenly appeared in our living room. But then I realized my 2-year-old son was actually pointing at the television, where an image of NBA superstar Kobe Bryant was displayed. In stark contrast to Bryant’s towering 6-foot-6 frame, my brother is a modest 5-foot-9, hardly a basketball giant.
On another occasion, my brother morphed into both LeBron James and Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson in my son’s eyes. A few weeks later, he was a random college player from one of those lesser-known NCAA tournament teams that always seem to get eliminated in the first round. (I do watch a lot of sports!)
While I understood that my son was beginning to notice skin color, I felt a twinge of anxiety. I wasn’t worried about discussing race—being a black mother, I’m aware that these conversations are necessary and often start earlier for black parents. I recognized that this is a typical developmental phase; children can identify color differences as early as 2 or 3 years old.
What troubled me was how to navigate this with a biracial child. Would he struggle to identify as either black or white? Or would he understand that he is both? I started to question if I had somehow failed him by not exposing him to more people of color. We live next door to an Indian family, and his daycare has a diverse mix of children from various backgrounds. Still, most of the adults he interacted with regularly were white.
Especially concerning was the limited presence of black adults in his life. Although my family, consisting of African-Americans with varied skin tones, made an effort to spend time with him, Uncle Jamie was the only young black male he regularly saw. I feared he might associate black men solely with sports when, aside from his uncle, the only black males he encountered were on television.
He was also beginning to see these athletes as different from himself, despite having a brown-skinned mother. I remember asking similar questions when I was a child, around 5 or 6, about why some people had white skin, given that everyone around me was brown. But my son’s experience and appearance were different.
“So, what color are you?” I asked one day.
He confidently replied that he was white, like Dad.
“You’re actually both brown and white,” I clarified. “You’re part like Mommy and part like Daddy.”
To be fair, he struggled to distinguish between white people too. On TV, “Dad” could be anyone from singer Justin Timberlake to various politicians debating healthcare. He noticed skin color but also made connections based on age and body types.
I found comfort in realizing that while my son recognized color differences, he hadn’t internalized societal messages that assign value based on skin tone. He made friends with kids who had brown skin, or were “Chinese,” without ever referring to them as weird or ugly. Even at a young age, children can develop racial biases, so perhaps we were doing something right as a family by intentionally engaging with cultural events and ensuring he had diverse interactions.
At this stage, he viewed it as normal for kids to have parents of different colors and for families of various backgrounds to interact. He could have both “brown” and “peach” family members and feel comfortable around them.
I’m not so naïve to think this harmony will last forever. As kids grow, they inevitably start processing negative messages from the outside world. However, perhaps nurturing genuine friendships across racial and ethnic lines in their early years is a step in the right direction.
Now, at age 5, my son’s understanding of his identity and racial awareness has matured, though he still views the world in vibrant Crayola colors. He no longer identifies as white like Dad but rather as peach. He excitedly declared one day in the bathtub that he was the same color as his younger brother, who hadn’t yet been born.
Maybe he’s even light brown, but still not as brown as Mommy, who’s the same color as Uncle Jamie. These days, his comparisons of Uncle Jamie to athletes and musicians are more selective. Baby J feels he embodies the best of both worlds, and I cherish that he embraces his identity.
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In summary, recognizing race is a natural part of childhood development, and it’s essential to approach these discussions with openness and love. By fostering an environment that celebrates diversity, we can help our children grow into accepting and empathetic individuals.
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