If you decide to drop by unexpectedly, brace yourself for a scene that might leave you startled or even a bit repulsed. I’m a parent to a lively three-and-a-half-year-old, a six-month-old infant, and I also have a rambunctious 75-pound black lab.
To clarify, I do have a partner named Ethan, but he doesn’t typically elicit shock or disgust, so I’ll keep him out of this narrative.
First Impressions
When you ring the doorbell, you’ll likely find me at the door, dressed in cozy leggings and an oversized sweatshirt, likely adorned with some baby spit-up. My hair will probably be thrown into a messy top knot, and I won’t have a hint of makeup on. I’ll be juggling the baby in one arm while desperately trying to keep my enthusiastic dog from jumping on you with the other. I’ll likely gesture for you to come in while shouting, “Come on in!” above the barking chaos.
As you walk through the door, I’ll face a tough choice: drop the baby or let go of the dog. I always opt for the dog (sorry, pup!) because this is one parenting decision I’ve mastered.
The Dog’s Welcome
The dog will greet you with his usual exuberance, jumping up repeatedly as I attempt to rein him in, but he’s not one to listen. If you’re not a fan of dogs, consider this a fair warning: my home may not be for you.
At this point, I’ll find a semi-safe spot to place the baby, grab the dog by the collar, and usher him outside, where he’ll continue barking for the next twenty minutes. Once the dog is outside, I’ll turn back to you, apologize for his behavior, and offer you a seat in the living room—just be careful not to sit on the baby I just placed on the loveseat.
Baby Spit-Up and House Chaos
I’ll then pick up the baby, who will likely spit up on me due to his acid reflux. I’ll wipe the mess off with my sweatshirt sleeve and take a seat. I’ll also apologize profusely for the state of my house.
You’ll probably agree that it’s a complete disaster but will graciously reassure me that yours is no better. Of course, there’s also a chance your place is spotless, which would just make me feel like I’m in a jungle.
Toys will be scattered everywhere, shoes and socks will litter the floor, a half-folded laundry pile will sit on the coffee table, and I’ll have a blanket and play mat laid out for the baby, complete with a light sprinkling of dog hair.
At some point, my prized robot vacuum will zoom past, likely topped with a stray shoe or dirty dish. Thankfully, my three-year-old hasn’t attempted to place the baby on it yet!
The Wild Three-Year-Old
Just then, my three-year-old will likely enter the scene, and there’s a 90% chance he’ll be running around either naked or barely clothed. We’re still in the process of fully potty training, and letting him roam free seems to help.
I’ll forget that it’s not typical for a three-year-old to act like a tiny wildling and will engage in conversation with you as if everything is perfectly normal.
Drink Options
I’ll offer you a drink but will forewarn you that our options are limited to tap water, whole milk, expired coffee creamer, cheap beer, and an $8 bottle of wine. If you’re a delivery person, you might give me a puzzled look and quickly sign for your receipt before making a hasty exit. Just watch your step around the robot vacuum!
If you’re a friend or family, you’ll be unfazed by the chaos, make yourself comfortable, and enjoy my cheap wine. If you happen to be a stranger trying to sell something, you might be confused by my hospitality, but I’ll insist you at least listen to my partially-dressed child serenade you with “Jingle Bells” from the coffee table.
Reflecting on the Chaos
Reflecting back, twenty-five-year-old me would have been completely taken aback if she saw this as my future, but here I am—living a different kind of dream. So, if you ever feel like stopping by, please do! I’m sharing this to prepare you for what to expect when you arrive, and I’ll have that cheap bottle of wine ready for you.
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Summary
Expect a chaotic yet humorous atmosphere if you visit my home unexpectedly, where dogs, kids, and a messy living room come together. Friends will feel right at home, while newcomers may be in for a surprise. Despite the madness, I wouldn’t have it any other way!
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