I discovered I was pregnant just ten days ago. Although the news came as a surprise since this wasn’t a planned pregnancy, we were filled with excitement. We had begun sharing the news with our family and close friends. My partner was busy researching baby names the night before, while I was brainstorming creative ways to tell the kids about the upcoming arrival—perhaps using the Elf on the Shelf with Christmas around the corner. We even contemplated finding out the baby’s sex this time, hoping for a boy so he and his brother could grow up close together, maybe even play football someday.
Then, without warning, I started bleeding. Heavily.
I shared my concern with my partner the next morning, telling him I would contact the clinic as soon as they opened. I called, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I told him we needed to see a doctor immediately. On the way there, we barely spoke, but I turned to him and sobbed, “I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t want this baby enough. Maybe that’s why this is happening.” Even though I knew deep down that it wasn’t my fault, guilt consumed me.
After a blood test, the clinic informed me that my hCG levels were low. My midwife explained that I was likely miscarrying and would need to return for another test later that week. Once home, all I wanted was a shower to wash away the pain of the day. But as I stood there, I noticed the blood swirling down the drain and cried. Could that really be my baby disappearing? I wanted this nightmare to end.
Two days later, I returned to the doctor for another test. To my surprise, my hCG levels had risen slightly. This unexpected news brought a glimmer of hope—perhaps I wasn’t miscarrying after all. Should I still look for baby name ideas? How should I tell the kids?
On Monday, the results showed another slight increase in my hCG levels. It was encouraging, but the numbers needed to double every 48 hours, and mine weren’t. An ultrasound was scheduled to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. After the scan, my midwife delivered the devastating news: there was nothing in my uterus.
“So, that means no baby?” I asked, my heart sinking.
“Right, no baby. You probably miscarried as we discussed before,” she replied. I cried again, feeling the weight of finality.
The next week, on my way to work, I was struck by intense cramping that made it difficult to walk or drive. I called the hospital, and they advised me to head to the Emergency Room. After tests and another ultrasound, they found a mass the size of a tennis ball in my left fallopian tube.
What? Just last week, they had seen nothing! The doctor explained I needed emergency surgery due to the mass’s size. In a blur, my husband and I sat in the ER as the reality set in. On September 19th, at just over eight weeks pregnant, I lost my baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. The pain of losing a child, combined with the physical suffering from the surgery, has been unbearable.
I long to cry and grieve, yet the three-inch incision in my abdomen makes it physically painful to do so. I wish I had someone to confide in, someone who understands this nightmare. While I lean on my closest friends, family, and my husband—who is also hurting—I often wish this was all just a dream. But this is my new reality.
Every time I dress or shower, I’m reminded of that tragic day. The scar serves as a constant reminder that my baby is gone. We never got to know if it was a boy or a girl, and our hearts ache for the child we wish we could have met.
If you’re interested in learning more about pregnancy and home insemination options, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy. For those considering at-home insemination, you might find helpful information in our post about home insemination kits.
Summary
The devastating experience of miscarriage is one that leaves lasting emotional and physical scars. After discovering an unexpected pregnancy, hope quickly turned to heartbreak when complications arose, leading to the loss of my baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. The journey through grief is challenging, and the reminders of that loss are ever-present.
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