It’s just past 6 a.m. when the first rays of sunlight filter into my room. They creep in through a narrow gap in the curtains, awakening me from sleep. I inhale deeply, feeling the warmth fill my mouth, throat, and lungs. And then I remember: I’m alive.
Yes, I truly want to be alive. Deep down, I want to be here. I’m a wife and a mother, raising an incredibly vibrant and spirited little girl. Yet, my mental health struggles make existence painful. Breathing often feels like a chore, and some days, living seems utterly unattainable.
Suicide can feel like the only escape, the only solution. This is the reality of living with a mental illness that includes persistent suicidal thoughts. I grapple with chronic ideation, and while parenting is already challenging, parenting while struggling with these thoughts is exponentially more difficult.
It Can Be All-Consuming
When you’re in that dark place, you become a shadow of yourself. Feelings of despair, helplessness, and isolation wrap around you like a heavy blanket. Despite having loved ones around, you may feel entirely alone, convinced that nothing matters anymore, including your own existence. That persistent voice in your mind insists your loved ones would be better off without you.
And it won’t quiet down.
Joyful moments morph into sources of pain. Laughing becomes unbearable, love feels heavy, and simply being can seem impossible. The weight of daily life is crushing. Time stands still, and all that occupies your mind is the notion of escape. You become fixated on finding a way out. However, as a parent, withdrawing isn’t an option. You must maintain a façade of normalcy, even when it feels impossible. I have to be present for my daughter.
But Am I? Not Always
There are days when my illness overwhelms me. On those days, even the simplest tasks feel monumental. I might resort to giving my daughter Pop-Tarts for dinner and chocolate bars for dessert. I may allow her to color on the walls while I collapse on the kitchen floor. We might skip bath time, stay up far too late, and I often parent from the couch, my eyes closed while she immerses herself in shows like Sesame Street or Octonauts.
I do this because I love her deeply.
I push through for her sake, driven by an unwavering love. I know how irrational it sounds to think that being a distant parent might somehow make me a better one. It does sound absurd. My daughter deserves a loving and engaged mother, but to be that parent, sometimes I need to take a step back and breathe.
I Have to Disconnect to Survive
However, I would be dishonest if I claimed these coping strategies always work. Love alone doesn’t heal; I recently faced a harrowing moment where I contemplated ending my life. I had bought pills, crafted a note, and devised a plan. I was ready to take that final step.
But in a fleeting moment of clarity, I reached out for help. I called a close friend, though I was terrified—not of judgment, but of being stopped. I knew he could intervene and help me in my darkest hour. I made that call because my daughter deserved more, and I did too.
There’s Hope
So, if you’re finding yourself reading this from that dark place, please understand there’s hope. That voice in your head telling you you’re a terrible parent is lying. You showed up today. You kept going, and even in your struggles, you’re having a strong day because you’re still here. Every day, every moment, and every breath counts. You are valued and loved. Keep pushing forward.
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Summary
Parenting while managing suicidal thoughts is an arduous journey filled with moments of despair and isolation. The author shares their experiences, emphasizing the struggle between wanting to be present for their child and the heavy weight of mental illness. They highlight the importance of reaching out for help and recognizing one’s value, even amidst the darkest thoughts.
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