Seriously, Let’s Stop Offering Unsolicited Advice to New Moms — Here’s Why

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It’s a well-known fact that new mothers are often bombarded with unsolicited advice; it’s just part of the experience. But what’s the harm in sharing some of your “helpful” insights without waiting for them to seek your guidance? The core issue lies in asymmetric information. This concept means that in any given situation, one party has more detailed information than the other. In the realm of parenting, mothers typically possess a better understanding of their child and family dynamics than anyone else. When you share your thoughts on their parenting choices, you frequently lack the full context, which can lead to frustration for the mothers. This holds true even if you’re close to them—friends, relatives, and even grandparents fall into this category.

Here are several ways your lack of insight can impact a mother when you offer unsolicited advice:

1. Medical Guidelines Are Always Evolving
   This is a significant point. When my son was born, my partner and I carefully selected a pediatrician we trust to provide us with the latest health information. However, we faced a challenge with his late-night fussiness. Our doctor offered some guidance, but ultimately, it’s a common phase for infants—something she openly admitted. Enter the well-meaning advice from parents who raised children in the ‘90s, insisting we were neglecting our baby by not adding rice cereal to his bottle. They didn’t realize that current medical recommendations suggest waiting until at least four months to introduce solids. Their outdated perspective didn’t take into account the potential risks, highlighting the gap in understanding.
2. Moms Are Often Dealing with Hormones and Exhaustion
   The journey through pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum phase can be overwhelming, often accompanied by intense hormonal shifts. While these hormones help forge a bond with the newborn, they can also disturb emotional balance. When new moms hear continuous suggestions about what they should do or face passive-aggressive questioning (like, “Are you sure that’s best?”), it can be overwhelming. I remember my son crying, and each time it felt like my heart was breaking. The unsolicited advice only added to the stress. No one can truly grasp what a new mother experiences, even if they’ve been through it themselves—every mom and baby are unique.
3. Parenting Involves Personal Trade-offs
   There is no universal method for raising a child; every family must navigate their own path. For instance, consider two couples I know. One strictly adheres to a structured schedule, while the other embraces a more flexible approach. Both their children are thriving, showcasing that there is no single correct way to parent. You may not know the reasons behind a parent’s choices, so it’s best not to comment on their routines.
4. Moms Receive Mixed Messages from Everyone
   While your advice may come from a place of good intentions, you might be unaware that the mother has already received conflicting recommendations from others earlier that week. This constant influx of differing opinions can overwhelm any new mother. The added hormonal fluctuations only heighten the stress, making the situation even more challenging.
5. Unwanted Advice Can Feel Selfish
   I understand this might be a tough pill to swallow, but hear me out. A gift isn’t a gift if it feels burdensome. Unsolicited advice can weigh heavily on new mothers. Even if they choose to ignore it, the worry about how the adviser might react can create additional stress. The desire to help is commendable, but it’s crucial to channel that energy into something more effective. If a mom needs advice, she will ask for it.

So, how can you genuinely assist a new mother? Simply ask! By stepping back and expressing your willingness to support her in a meaningful way, you’ll foster an environment where she feels comfortable reaching out for advice when she’s ready. A friend of mine once gifted me a book on baby sleep with a note saying, “This was beneficial for us, but I know every baby is different. Feel free to return it if it doesn’t work for you, and let me know if I can assist in any way. The postpartum phase is tough.” That friend quickly became my go-to for advice, as she approached me with understanding rather than assuming she had all the answers.

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Summary:

Unsolicited advice can be more burdensome than helpful for new mothers due to the unique emotional and physical challenges they face. Instead of imposing your opinions, offer support and ask how you can help. This approach fosters a more positive relationship and allows the mother to seek guidance when she’s ready.