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How Childhood Sexual Abuse Can Influence Adult Relationships
by Jamie Collins
Updated: Dec. 13, 2019
Originally Published: Jan. 27, 2018
Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse
Experiencing inappropriate touch as a child can have profound and lasting effects — there’s no denying this reality. When your first encounter with intimacy involves someone who exploits you, even if they are your age, it can distort your perception of yourself and your relationships. You may come to believe that you are somehow at fault for what happened, leading you to carry a heavy burden of shame and secrecy.
Often, children are instructed to keep such experiences hidden, which reinforces the idea that intimacy is something shameful and that no one can help them. For some, this burden remains a secret for a lifetime; others may muster the courage to speak out, only to be met with disbelief or rejection. Even those who receive support and see their abuser held accountable often bear emotional scars that can persist indefinitely.
I endured sexual abuse at the hands of a relative from infancy until I reached puberty. It wasn’t until I was 13 that I found the strength to assert my boundaries and distance myself from him. I often reflect on why I hesitated to speak out earlier, why I didn’t fight back or flee. But I’ve come to understand that my mind and body were simply trying to cope and survive. The idea of discussing what happened felt unbearable; I wanted to bury those memories and escape, as revisiting them meant reliving a traumatic experience that was too overwhelming for a child to handle.
This trauma has undoubtedly impacted my adult relationships and my sexual life, and I suspect it always will. Despite attending therapy and discussing my experiences with partners, there’s no quick remedy for the damage inflicted by such abuse. Intimacy should be empowering and enjoyable, but when it is forcibly imposed, a part of you remains wounded and unable to heal.
There have been times when intense attraction to a partner made me yearn for a deep connection, yet I found myself unable to engage fully due to haunting memories that would resurface at the most inopportune moments. These painful recollections can overshadow even the most beautiful experiences.
To gain insight into this pervasive issue, I consulted Dr. Sarah Thompson, a psychotherapist with over four decades of experience and author of numerous books on sexual and emotional trauma. Dr. Thompson emphasizes that our first sexual experiences shape our future encounters, often unconsciously. A positive, consensual experience can foster a healthy outlook on sexuality, while a coerced one can lead to enduring negative emotions that resurface in later relationships.
Adults who were sexually abused in childhood may respond in various ways; some may become hypersexual or develop compulsions related to sex and pornography, while others may insist on controlling every aspect of their sexual encounters. This need for control can rob them of the pleasure of spontaneity with their partners.
Emotional intimacy poses additional challenges. You might find yourself desiring physical connection with a new partner, but as the relationship deepens, your sexual interest may vanish—not due to a lack of attraction, but because of triggers that remind you of past trauma.
The memories of childhood abuse linger, often overshadowing attempts at healing. According to Dr. Thompson, seeking help through individual or group therapy is essential. While it may be difficult to share your story, finding a safe space where you can be heard and understood is crucial for the healing process. Recognizing that the abuse was not your fault, allowing yourself to feel compassion for your suffering, and reclaiming your sense of self are vital steps in overcoming the shame that often accompanies such trauma.
This ongoing struggle is something many survivors face, but acknowledging that past trauma affects our happiness as adults empowers us to seek the support we need. Enjoying a fulfilling sex life and meaningful relationships is within reach for everyone, and we all deserve to experience that joy.
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Summary:
Childhood sexual abuse leaves lasting scars that can profoundly impact adult relationships and sexual intimacy. Survivors may struggle with feelings of shame and control, affecting their ability to connect emotionally and physically with partners. Seeking therapy and support can aid in the healing process, allowing survivors to reclaim their narratives and experience fulfilling relationships.
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