I know, I know—screen time and all that. My child should probably be outside creating a topiary from the crabapple tree I planted during a full moon over the spot where I buried her placenta after her homebirth. But, let’s be real—my organic garden isn’t exactly flourishing, and I needed a moment to restore some semblance of order in my home, which currently resembles the “before” scene of a Hoarders episode. Sometimes, I just need to cook dinner and unwind with a podcast. I don’t want my daughter glued to a screen all the time, but with some limits, that iPad gives me the chance to take a much-needed Epsom salt bath a few evenings a week and makes long car trips a bit more bearable.
However, there’s a toll for my brief respites. My daughter adores YouTube Kids, and I’ve found myself in a complicated relationship with the app—I appreciate the brief breaks it provides, but the content she consumes often drives me to distraction. I can’t help but imagine that YouTube Kids is overseen by a secretive group of villains deep in a fake volcano somewhere in the Pacific, plotting to drive parents insane while depleting our finances. How else could the videos be so maddening?
Just as the FBI has its “Most Wanted” list, I believe YouTube Kids deserves its own infamous compilation. Let’s dive into my personal list of top annoyances:
- Blind Bags
Seriously? I’m supposed to fork over five dollars for a mystery item? What kind of madness is this? It might be something my child already owns six of, or maybe it’s a “limited edition” like it’s Game of Thrones. When did we become a society where we buy unknown products that come with “seasons”? If they gave awards for marketing evil, the mastermind behind blind bags would take home a prize in no time. And to make matters worse, there are endless videos of people unwrapping them, which my daughter finds utterly captivating. - The Squishy Cutter
I can’t stand it when that person slices open squishy toys. It’s heart-wrenching! I mean, how can my daughter watch this kind of cruel dismemberment? This “artist” is like the Ed Gein of children’s toys. - Slime Creators
The genius behind slime deserves to be publicly shamed. I’ve wasted countless bottles of contact solution on this sticky mess, while kids who mix glue and Borax rake in cash. Meanwhile, I struggle to pay for health insurance! - Video Game Streamers
I think it’s great that my daughter is into coding, but why does she prefer watching others play video games instead of playing them herself? It’s baffling. Yet, I have been known to watch cooking videos while my dinner plans consist of Lean Cuisines, so who am I to judge? - Unboxing Channels
When I was a kid, my mom suggested becoming a doctor to get rich. She should have told me to film myself unboxing toys! These videos are surprisingly popular among kids, as they enjoy watching people slowly open packages while narrating in a strangely soothing tone. It’s like a bizarre form of meditation. - Parry Gripp
Not familiar? He’s the genius behind “It’s Raining Tacos.” His catchy tunes are like Blink 182 for kids, and they get stuck in your head for days. And while I’m at it, I might have a little crush on Mr. Gripp—he’s got that charming hipster vibe and sings about cats and burritos, which is oddly appealing. - Other Families on Vacation
I’m convinced my daughter would choose to watch every moment of another family’s vacation over enjoying an actual trip with us. I’m okay with this since it saves us a fortune in travel expenses. - Eight-Year-Olds Doing Makeup Tutorials
It’s painful to see a second grader nail a smoky eye better than I can. It’s also strange that kids are teaching each other how to contour while my daughter critiques my outdated makeup choices. On the bright side, my elementary schooler gave me a makeover that made me look like a vampire, which was a fun change. - Disgusting Food Challenges
I’m on a mission to find the person responsible for the barf-inducing mayonnaise milkshake challenge my daughter felt compelled to try. Some things, like booger-flavored jellybeans, should remain fictional. - The Creator of “Baby Shark”
Sorry, but if I have to endure this, so do you:
Baby Shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo…
I can’t escape it!
In conclusion, while YouTube Kids offers some entertainment, it also comes with its fair share of frustrations. From blind bags to bizarre food challenges, the platform certainly knows how to test a parent’s patience. For those navigating the world of parenting and screen time, it’s essential to maintain some balance.
For additional insights on navigating parenthood, check out this excellent resource about pregnancy and home insemination or explore this blog post for more information on home insemination kits.
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