Updated: Dec. 14, 2020
Originally Published: Jan. 30, 2018
My journey into motherhood has been anything but straightforward. During my first trimester, I faced relentless morning sickness and nausea that lingered well into the afternoon. By the second trimester, I was plagued by debilitating migraines every single day. To add to the chaos, my husband and I decided to move from our cherished Denver home to Houston during this tumultuous time. I left my job, feeling as though I had lost a significant part of myself. With 20 weeks still remaining in my pregnancy, I felt like I was spiraling out of control.
Then came the news that I was expecting a girl.
I had insisted that I wouldn’t mind the gender. But deep down, I realized I had a preference—I wanted a boy. My desire stemmed from the belief that raising a son would be simpler. The truth is, I was terrified—terrified of having a daughter.
I didn’t fully understand my feelings at first. Despite my love for her already, I just couldn’t shake the anxiety about raising a girl. After another tear-filled evening in our new Houston home, waiting for my husband to return from his long shift, I recognized that I needed professional help. My life had turned upside down: I was unemployed, friendless, and pregnant.
In therapy, I uncovered the root of my fears: I am afraid of becoming my mother.
My mom was a stay-at-home parent who loved my sister and me, but she was also controlling and emotionally distant. She rarely showed affection, and we never enjoyed traditional “mother-daughter” outings or bonding experiences. She focused obsessively on our diets, often refusing to buy certain foods after they had been eaten. Her lack of holiday decorations stemmed from her belief that it was pointless since they’d just have to be stored away after a month.
Although I am fundamentally different from her, I worry about inheriting her traits. I’m not the most adventurous eater (if healthy options are lacking, I sometimes skip meals) and I can be controlling, often believing I have all the answers. I’ve worked hard to become more emotionally open and nostalgic.
And now, I’m expecting a daughter. I don’t want to scrutinize her eating habits or criticize her body. I don’t want to dictate her choices or undermine her autonomy. I don’t want to stand in her doorway and chastise her.
Mostly, I’m scared.
However, I recognize that understanding these fears gives me the power to break the cycle. Yet, I still feel overwhelmed. The reality of motherhood—of being a loving, supportive mom—is daunting. I worry about the risk of transitioning from antepartum depression to postpartum depression.
So, this is my solemn promise to my soon-to-arrive daughter: I love you, and I will safeguard your spirit. My goal is to raise a strong, confident woman who trusts her instincts and capabilities. I want you to feel cherished. I’ll embrace you with hugs every day, even during those teenage years when you might resist. I will work tirelessly to ensure you never feel less than enough. I will definitely decorate our home for every holiday, and together, we’ll explore the world as much as possible. I will love you deeply.
I know that I don’t have to repeat my mother’s patterns, and recognizing this is my first step towards becoming the mother I aspire to be.
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Summary:
This article explores the emotional journey of a woman navigating her pregnancy while confronting her fears of becoming like her own controlling mother. She resolves to break the cycle and promises to raise her daughter with love, support, and encouragement, ensuring she feels valued and empowered.
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