As my daughter prepares for her second middle school dance next week, conversations among adults revolve around nostalgia for the past, kids’ outfits, and logistics like carpools. Yet, one question keeps popping up: “Does anyone actually dance?”
“I’m worried about my son. It would be great if the girls would just say yes to anyone who asks. It’s just a dance.” This sentiment has come up more than once, along with requests for me to encourage my daughter to dance with anyone who asks because, after all, “it’s just a dance.”
Absolutely not.
Let me be clear: My daughter has every right to decline any dance invitation throughout the evening. She doesn’t owe your son a dance simply because he’s anxious, or because he’s a nice kid, or because he asked. It’s not about being polite; it’s about her autonomy.
While you’re focused on shielding your son from a bruised ego for one night, I’m focused on empowering my daughter to protect herself in a world where she must navigate far more serious situations for the rest of her life.
Empowering Her to Say No
Now, I’m not implying that your son is a threat; that’s not the issue here. What matters is teaching my daughter to trust her instincts and assert her right to say no before she finds herself in a potentially unsafe situation. It’s about equipping her to say no to unwanted dates, refusing drinks she doesn’t want, or standing firm against someone who invades her personal space. The rise of movements like #MeToo and #TimesUp has made it painfully clear that sexual harassment and assault are pervasive issues. Women have always known this truth.
Understanding the Importance of Consent
Your son may be a great kid, just as mine is. Yes, it takes courage to ask someone to dance in middle school. However, that is not a valid reason for my daughter to feel uncomfortable. The lessons of consent begin on the dance floor, if not earlier. Every young boy must learn that simply asking for a dance does not entitle him to a yes.
The dynamics of asking and receiving a dance reflect deeper societal issues: teaching boys that a girl should always say yes fosters an expectation that can lead to misunderstanding and resentment. Conversely, teaching girls to acquiesce, even when they’d prefer not to, undermines their ability to make their own choices. It sends the message that a boy’s feelings are more important than their own—an unhealthy precedent for young women, both in dating and in their careers.
Lessons for Our Sons
My son will be attending his fourth middle school dance next week. He’ll likely spend time with friends, both boys and girls, and may choose to dance. He understands that the atmosphere in the gym is different for him compared to a girl’s experience. If a girl declines his invitation to dance, he recognizes that it’s her choice, and that’s perfectly acceptable. He’s learning to respect the word “no” and the concept of consent before it gets complicated by romantic relationships.
So while your son may be a nice kid and “it’s just a dance,” we must acknowledge that this dance is a foundational lesson. It sets the stage for future interactions, including those involving drinks, dates, and intimacy. Understanding consent starts with grasping the importance of hearing and respecting “no” on the middle school dance floor, and it’s high time we instill this understanding in all our children.
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In summary, the lessons learned on the dance floor extend far beyond the event itself. It’s about instilling respect for one another’s choices, ensuring that our children understand the power of consent from an early age.
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