Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, refreshed, showered, and got myself ready for the day ahead. Meanwhile, my partner, Jake, also got ready before taking the dogs for their morning walk. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at school, okay, daycare. The day went by as we worked, and later we picked the kids up and returned home.
As soon as we walked through the door, Jake took our toddler down to see the puppies, who were clearly enthralled with their furry friends. I removed the baby’s jacket and mine, hanging them up in the closet and putting my shoes away (this detail will be important). Then I took the baby along to change my clothes. Once I returned, I started clearing off the kitchen table of papers and clutter. After tidying up, the baby and I went to play in the living room.
That’s when the moment struck. Jake and our toddler came back upstairs. He removed our toddler’s jacket and shoes, placing them on the kitchen table, and then proceeded to grab a snack for himself (yes, for himself). In that moment, I asked him, “Could you please put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
The words hung in the air. In an instant, I recalled our life together as partners. Asking for help meant so many things—picking up the baby’s bottle, rinsing his plate after dinner, putting his shoes away, and more. It dawned on me that these were not simply requests for assistance; they were expectations for shared responsibility. I corrected myself aloud: “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not about helping me; it’s just about taking care of your child’s belongings.” He didn’t respond but did put the items away.
From that moment on, I resolved to stop asking Jake for help, except for those rare instances when I need a favor, like dealing with a giant bug that sends me into a panic. Here’s my reasoning:
1. It Undermines His Value
Jake is an adult. He is more than just my helper; he’s a full partner. He should not be seen as someone who needs my direction to be useful. If he needs to do something and isn’t aware of it, I can simply say so. It’s not about me; it’s about the shared responsibilities of a busy household.
2. It Places Unfair Burden on Me
I don’t bear the sole responsibility for keeping our home organized or our kids fed and clothed. Using phrases like “help me out” implies that I own that responsibility. I’m only looking for a fair share of the duties, not all of them.
3. It Sets a Misleading Example for Our Kids
I don’t want our boys to grow up thinking that simple tasks, like taking out the trash or tidying their room, are favors to their partner. I want them to take pride in their role as equal partners, contributing fairly to household responsibilities.
4. It Diminishes Our Partnership
Jake is my equal. Our roles may differ, but we are working towards the same goal: a happy, healthy family and a home that doesn’t resemble a disaster zone. I don’t want to dictate his actions; I want him to understand his role as a father and a true partner.
So, the next time I find his laundry sitting in the dryer for days, instead of asking for help, I’ll just tell him to clear his things from my path.
For more on navigating parenthood, check out our post on the home insemination kit. If you’re interested in learning more about fertility, Couples fertility journey is a great resource, and for comprehensive information on insemination, this resource is excellent.
In summary, I’ve learned to stop framing requests for household help as favors. Instead, I see them as equal contributions necessary for our family’s well-being, reinforcing our partnership and setting a positive example for our children.
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