As an expectant parent and a feminist, I envisioned a 50/50 partnership with my husband. Fast forward four years, and I found myself shouldering the majority of parenting responsibilities, both at home and outside of it. I was juggling multiple part-time jobs while handling more than my fair share of household tasks.
While I acknowledge that women often apologize too frequently, I realized that the situation was largely of my own making. I regret not communicating with my husband more effectively. I regret that our child was growing up with the impression that women are solely responsible for managing the household.
What is a Go-To Parent?
To clarify, what exactly is a Go-To Parent? This is the person who receives calls from daycare when a child is unwell, even if the other parent works just a few blocks away. It’s the one who remembers to do the grocery shopping so that the kid’s favorite outfit is clean for “pajama day” at school. In legal terms, this is often referred to as the “primary custodial parent.” In everyday language, it’s the individual who handles most of the child-rearing and household chores — that was me.
I carried our child and attempted to breastfeed, both of which felt firmly within my realm of responsibilities. After our son’s first birthday, we should have reverted to a more balanced dynamic. Yet, I remained the one to send emails to his teachers and RSVP for birthday parties. I shopped for our son’s clothes during sales, knew his friends’ names, and managed relationships with most of the other parents. I was the one performing all the emotional labor for our family of three.
My husband would take our son on bike rides and help with bedtime routines, but there’s a significant distinction between spending quality time and doing the bulk of the “dirty work” during my work hours. One day, our son casually mentioned, “Daddy is a professor.” When I asked him what my job was, he cheerfully replied, “My mommy.” While I’m proud to be his mother, I also wanted to be recognized as a writer and teacher.
Resentment and Realization
I began to harbor resentment toward my husband. It wasn’t just the exhaustion from the first year of parenting while recovering from a C-section and managing a child who didn’t sleep well; it was also the jealousy I felt over his professional successes. While I occasionally managed to write poems and present at conferences, I wasn’t advancing in my career like he was. I wondered if I could find a way to increase my income and write more.
At this stage in our lives, both in our forties, we should have known better. We had been independent adults before our marriage and had always supported each other. So why was I stepping in every time my husband offered to help? Why did I instinctively respond, “I’ve got it”?
After our son went to bed, which seemed to happen far too late, we started to argue. Then my husband asked, “What can I do to contribute more?” This time, I truly listened.
As much as I wanted to blame him and remain the victim, my husband had a point. He would offer to fold laundry, and I would insist I could handle it. He would suggest doing the dishes after dinner, and I would say I’d finish up my chores. I had fallen into a routine where I felt pride in managing everything, believing that society expected me to do so as a mother. But I had to ask myself: Was “society” going to drop by to check if I emptied the dishwasher, or would my poems ever get published?
The Importance of Communication
The hard truth? Communication — the very foundation of any relationship — is essential for a healthy partnership after becoming parents. We had neglected this crucial aspect of our relationship. As Cynthia Kane notes in her book, How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, “Compassion enters our communication the moment we begin to see where the other person is coming from.”
It was time to reintroduce open communication. We chose one another and could certainly navigate this together. We sat down, discussed our issues, and began using a shared electronic calendar to create a clear plan. We agreed to work late one night a week, share laundry and grocery responsibilities, and coordinate ordering household supplies and items for our son. I committed to seeking out writing residencies, while he decided to present at fewer conferences. Together, we aimed to level the playing field.
We also prioritized having more date nights, reminding ourselves of the reasons we fell in love over a decade ago. Our optimism was reignited.
Resources for Expecting Parents
For those exploring the journey of parenthood, resources like this one can offer helpful insights into home insemination. Additionally, this link provides excellent information about pregnancy and insemination options.
Conclusion
In summary, the transition to parenthood can often lead to unequal sharing of responsibilities if communication falters. By openly discussing our tasks and expectations, my husband and I found a way to balance our roles, leading to a healthier relationship and a more harmonious home life.
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