This letter is long overdue, and I carry the weight of not having penned it sooner. I acknowledge my privilege allowed me to remain silent, and I regret not speaking up the first time I heard you use derogatory terms at a family gathering. A simple “that’s not acceptable” or walking away was never sufficient.
I also take responsibility for not confronting the reality that your views extend beyond ignorance — they reflect a conscious choice to embrace bigotry. I was roughly seven or eight when I first heard you make a joke about how “every Southern family has a dark secret,” as if the history of oppression and exploitation was something to laugh about rather than a stain on our history.
What’s even more troubling is your pride in this association with a distorted version of “whiteness.” Our family has no history of slave ownership; we were poor immigrants from Italy and Acadia trying to build a better life. Yet, you still boast about white supremacy using “we” to include yourself in a narrative that doesn’t belong to our family lineage.
Recently, I chose to change my last name to honor my grandmother’s maiden name, a name I selected to distance myself from the patriarchal legacy tied to a German name that I do not identify with. I made the decision to keep my son’s last name in line with family expectations, wanting to maintain peace, but now I realize I must take a stand against racism and patriarchy.
As I work toward dismantling these oppressive systems, I’ve decided to change my son’s last name to reflect my lineage. I am the first woman in our family to take this step, creating a matrilineal line that rejects the misogyny and racism that has been tolerated for too long. My son will have two mothers committed to combating these injustices through proactive measures.
While some of you may not hold these bigoted views, your silence and complicity in allowing such rhetoric to persist is troubling. I urge you to join me in speaking out against these harmful attitudes, even if it means standing up to your own partners. Some of you were supportive of my partner when I came out, but that support came with conditions based on race.
It’s imperative to understand that bigotry is not a minor flaw; it’s a fundamental part of one’s identity. You cannot be a little racist, just as one cannot be a little pregnant. Whether or not my presence as a queer woman and my family affects your views, we will continue to exist and advocate for love and acceptance.
For the past decade, I hoped that by changing the subject when conversations turned uncomfortable, I could gently shift your perspectives. However, I now recognize that my silence was not an act of love but rather an enabler of intolerance. My son is at an age where he observes how I interact with the world, and I cannot model passivity in the face of racism or sexism any longer.
From now on, I will confront any instances of bigotry or misogyny directly, regardless of how casually they are presented. Your good intentions do not excuse the harmful language and actions you perpetuate. I will not allow my son to internalize these toxic beliefs — he will learn that your worldview is fundamentally flawed and rooted in fear.
By changing my son’s last name, I am also severing your final connection to your “legacy,” particularly you, Dad, as it seems to be the most valued aspect of your identity. There will be no lineage passing down your harmful views or dogmas through my family anymore.
If your bigotry has never had consequences before, let this be your wake-up call. This letter serves not as a plea for validation but as a declaration of my commitment to creating a better environment for my son and society at large.
If you find yourself in a similar position, I encourage you to take a stand as well.
For more information on how to navigate these conversations or explore family planning methods, check out this resource on IUI. Additionally, if you’re considering home insemination, you can learn more about the home insemination kit we offer. For those looking to boost fertility, consider checking out this guide on fertility boosters for men.
In summary, I refuse to allow racism and sexism to go unchallenged in my presence any longer. My family’s legacy will reflect values of love, respect, and progress, free from the toxicity of bigotry.
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