Sometimes it’s the way he looks at me in moments of frustration. It’s that feeling I get when he critiques me or highlights my many perceived flaws. Other times, it’s simply the things he says—and how he says them—that make me want to pull my hair out. It frustrates me when I just want things to be easygoing, and it drives me crazy when he gets overly enthusiastic about a story, leaving out vital details that leave me confused. The “he” I’m referring to is my husband, Mark.
I’m certain he has his own list of habits that irk him about me. I could share a few, but I won’t bore you with all of them.
Alright, I’ll give you a glimpse, just to be fair:
- He despises that I often leave my laundry inside out.
- He wishes I took care of the laundry more often.
- He can’t stand when I don’t rinse off dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
- He wants me to be better with finances—and honestly, he’s right.
- He wishes I were less sensitive and could let things slide more easily.
- He hopes I would feign an interest in sports just for his sake occasionally.
- He wants me to play outside with our kids more often.
- He wishes I weren’t always so exhausted from Lyme Disease.
Some of our frustrations we voice to each other, but many of our annoyances have become part of our routine after nearly nine years of marriage. A few years back, though, what started as small irritations morphed into serious grievances about larger issues. Our spacious home suddenly felt cramped for just the two of us. We seemed to be stepping on one another’s toes, even with all that room. Our resentments and frustrations appeared to be overwhelming, and our communication was lacking significantly.
The distance between us felt more comfortable at times, but as a family, we couldn’t afford that space. The tension mounted as we both felt increasingly confined.
Adding two strong-willed kids to the equation didn’t help either. Would it have made a difference if they were little angels? I doubt it.
About two years ago, Mark and I seriously considered divorce. We got quite far down that road, with lawyers involved and all the heavy legal language that comes with it. I even began plans to buy a townhouse, a sleek contemporary place that starkly contrasted our traditional family home. It felt like a subconscious statement I was making.
We discussed how to explain the situation to our kids, how to divide our assets, and how to maintain a civil relationship for custody purposes. It all felt surreal—because it was.
Then, just two weeks before I was set to move into my new place, we paused and had a moment of realization: “What are we doing?” It became clear that neither of us truly wanted a divorce. Sure, we both wanted changes in our marriage, but not an end to it.
One thought kept surfacing for me as divorce loomed closer: Mark is my partner. He’s the one I turn to when I have good news, and he’s the one I lean on in tough times. I couldn’t just abandon my teammate like that.
Marriage is tough—really tough. Anyone who says otherwise either isn’t married or hasn’t been married long. Two individuals come together with their unique dreams, quirks, and personalities, and then you expect it all to mesh seamlessly. Sometimes it doesn’t, and whether it falls into place quickly or not, it demands ongoing communication, respect, and often a lot of compromise.
And yes, it can be exhausting—even now that we’ve recommitted to one another.
Earlier, I mentioned some of the things about Mark that annoy me. It’s only fair to share what made me realize I didn’t want to lose him as my partner:
- He always knows how to make me laugh.
- He genuinely loves his family and mine.
- He is fiercely loyal to his friends, treating them like brothers.
- I admire his passion for his interests (yes, even sports).
- When I’m feeling down, he doesn’t let me stay that way for long.
- He’s a wonderful father.
- When he puts in the effort, he’s a great husband.
- He always compliments me, even when my hair is a mess. (That’s just sweet, isn’t it?)
- He will forever be my person.
Each day, we show up for each other, and each day brings something new. Some days we function as a great team; other days, we clash over everything. But every day, I recognize a little more that the man I chose to stand beside is the one I need right now and who I am committed to supporting.
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