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Parenting
By Jamie Taylor
Feb. 23, 2018
My second husband, Mike, and I have been together for five years, and we tied the knot last spring. When we began our relationship, my children—one son and one daughter—were nine and six, while his two boys were just three and seven. It didn’t happen overnight, but now it feels as though my kids have always cherished Mike.
My daughter is exuberant and overflowing with affection, often showering her stepdad with hugs and kisses. She frequently asks him to keep her company in her room while she gets ready, cuddles on the couch, plays with his hair, and enjoys activities like swimming and biking with him. She has him completely wrapped around her finger. My son, on the other hand, is a bit more reserved, but he quickly warmed up to Mike, whose easygoing nature won him over. Now, when he learns we’re spending time with Mike, he exclaims excitedly, “We’re with Mike tonight? YES!”—complete with a triumphant fist pump.
It’s clear why my kids adore him. He’s laid-back, approachable, and always willing to engage in activities with them. He respects their father and never imposes himself, which resonates with my son, who appreciates having a male figure in our predominantly female household. My daughter enjoys the extra attention as the only girl among four children, creating a solid bond between her and Mike.
As for his boys and me? Well, it’s not quite as harmonious. We share some enjoyable moments; they’ve developed a taste for challah and appreciate a stepmom who enjoys family dinners and baking. However, navigating the role of a second mom is challenging.
Complicating matters, I tend to hold high standards for myself, my children, my husband, and my stepchildren. I expect the same behavior from my stepsons as I do from my biological kids. Since my children have grown up with me, they’ve absorbed my expectations over time. They don’t remember the countless reminders to say please and thank you, keep their elbows off the table, or answer questions while looking me in the eye. I’ve drilled these lessons into them since they first started talking.
Every parent has their own approach, and mine is just that—mine. I understand that my kids follow different rules at their dad’s house, and the same goes for my stepsons, who have their own set of expectations with their mom. I’m the newcomer in this equation, the late arrival to the game, and often my kids encourage me to go easier on their stepbrothers.
“I don’t ask them to do anything I don’t ask of you,” I remind them. They simply shrug and respond, “Yeah, but…”
I can guess what they’re thinking: “We already love you. Get them to love you first, and then you can worry about rules and manners.”
Sometimes, I hit pause on my usual mode and focus on enjoying our time together. But that rarely lasts long before I find myself saying, “Wash your hands, don’t forget to flush…” As much as I’d like to ease up, I can’t. We’re in this for the long haul, and I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not for the next 40 years.
My stepsons don’t adore me just yet, and that’s perfectly fine. I care for them deeply, but understanding that my love is genuine and nurturing will take time. My goal is to treat them as if they were my own and to remain true to myself; I can’t change who I am. As they navigate their own identities, they too will be themselves. Sometimes they’ll gaze at me with curiosity, sometimes I’ll receive a hug, and occasionally when I enforce rules, I’ll hear, “I miss my mom.”
A little side-eye, a hug, or some playful resistance—it’s all part of the process. My relationship with my stepsons is developing naturally. Some connections can’t be rushed; ours is a slow simmer rather than a quick boil. The less I focus on it, the more organic it will become.
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Summary:
Navigating the role of a stepmother can be challenging, especially when it comes to building relationships with your stepsons. In this article, Jamie shares her experiences, emphasizing the importance of patience and authenticity in developing those bonds. While her stepsons don’t adore her just yet, Jamie remains committed to treating them as her own, understanding that love takes time to grow.
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