When my partner, Alex, and I welcomed our boys into the world, we weren’t married and had no plans to tie the knot. Changing my last name was never on my radar; I never imagined a scenario in which I would. Fast forward to today, I’m happily married with children, and my surname remains unchanged. My sons’ names are hyphenated, which perfectly reflects our family dynamic, just as I envisioned back when I was younger. Alex, being incredibly supportive, never pressed me to adopt his name. In fact, he was entirely on board with our children carrying my last name as the latter part of their hyphenated names. It’s 2021, but I realize how fortunate I am to have found a partner who respects my choices.
As we named our boys, I took pride in the fact that my last name was the second one in their hyphenation. It felt modern and entirely fitting for us. However, as our oldest approaches the end of preschool—though it’s still a bit away—I find myself grappling with the thought of hyphenating my last name to align with theirs.
This urge is perplexing. On one hand, it seems logical, yet on the other, it clashes with my long-held belief that I shouldn’t have to change my name for anyone. I’ve spent countless hours contemplating the outdated tradition that encourages women to change their surnames. I’ve even been critical of men in my life who firmly defend this antiquated practice.
Yet, this isn’t about just anyone. These are my children. I carried them, felt them grow inside me, and experienced the physical changes that come with pregnancy. I have a scar from where they entered the world, and perhaps this desire to alter my name is a way to cope with the gradual loss of control that comes with parenthood. As my oldest prepares for a significant milestone, it brings forth a wave of emotions about letting go.
It’s funny how quickly time flies—one moment, you’re bringing them home, and the next, you’re scouting schools. Before you know it, college is on the horizon.
When Alex asked me why I was feeling this way, I struggled to articulate my feelings. But as I spoke, tears welled in my eyes. “They’re my kids, and I want something that connects us when they venture out into the world.”
I’ve been having unsettling dreams where my teeth fall out, which I initially thought might signal a dental issue. Now, I see it as a manifestation of the constant transitions of parenthood. It’s astonishing how society has made it seem so simple for generations to let go of a part of themselves, watching their hearts roam free without a clue about the depth of love and effort that goes into raising them.
Ultimately, it’s remarkable that so many of us navigate through this journey.
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Summary
The author reflects on her evolving thoughts about changing her last name to match her children’s hyphenated names, despite her previous strong beliefs against name changes. As her eldest approaches a new phase of life, she navigates the emotional complexities of parenthood and the desire for a familial connection.
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