When I first met my future husband, I was always in the mood. Day or night, it didn’t matter—his office, my living room floor, even that bar we snuck into during the day. You get the idea.
However, after giving birth, my sexual appetite dropped significantly, landing somewhere around number 22 on my priority list, right after “organize the pantry” and far behind “get some sleep.” With both of us utterly exhausted and me grappling with postpartum challenges, intimacy took a backseat. By 8 p.m. daily, I was completely “touched out.”
On many nights, the most connection we could manage was holding hands under the covers while we hoped for our baby to sleep longer than a mere four hours. Once our first child finally settled into a routine, we welcomed another little one, and a few years later, a third.
You might be shocked to learn that the passionate sex life we once enjoyed was now just a fading memory. We were definitely not having as much intimacy as we both desired or anticipated, regardless of how many children joined our family.
A recent survey carried out in the UK by Help-Link’s Expectations vs. Reality campaign revealed we’re not alone in this struggle. After polling 2,000 expectant parents and 2,000 current parents, the findings highlighted a significant gap between the expectations of parenthood and the harsh realities that follow, particularly concerning relationships and sex.
Before having children, a staggering 92% of couples anticipated they would remain in love after their little ones arrived. Sixty-one percent expected a thriving love life, with dreams of date nights three times a month and intimate moments three times a week.
Excuse me while I chuckle in my yoga pants. My husband and I count ourselves lucky if we manage to go out even once a month—let alone a kid-free outing to Whole Foods, which I consider a date. And three times a week for sex? Hilarious! I can barely manage to floss that often.
It’s not that we lack desire; it’s simply that the demands of parenting can significantly dampen one’s libido. Babies wake you multiple times a night, leaving you drained during the day. As toddlers, they refuse to sleep and often find their way into your bed. Even as they grow into semi-independent tweens, they are constantly seeking your attention, whether it’s clinging to your leg or demanding physical affection.
Once they don’t need to be physically close to you, worries about their emotional health and happiness take over. Parenting leaves little room for intimacy.
Before you actually experience parenthood, you’re blissfully unaware of these challenges. Even if you’ve heard the whispers, you believe they won’t apply to you. You convince yourself that becoming parents will deepen your bond as a couple, ignoring research that suggests otherwise. You can’t fathom a life without a vibrant sex life.
And those who struggle to find time or desire for intimacy after having kids? Surely, they just aren’t as in love as you are. They probably didn’t create a perfect plan for quality time while the baby naps or plays on that colorful mat. How hard can it be?
According to the survey, nearly 25% of parents reported dissatisfaction with their love lives, with 20% stating that sex has become virtually non-existent. I suspect many of them belong to the 57% who have given up on regular date nights, the 31% who feel they’ve fallen out of love, and the 18% who have abandoned their partnerships altogether.
While the statistics may seem grim, it doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to an unhappy relationship or near-celibacy until your children fly the coop. Though a regular date night might feel unattainable, consider dedicating a few minutes each day for one-on-one conversations. In an interview with TODAY Parents, author Jenna K. Thompson emphasized that this simple act can be the foundation for a lasting relationship. Alternatively, you could take a cue from celebrity couples and create a relationship bucket list of activities you both want to enjoy together.
As for intimacy, psychotherapist Laura Mendez advises that it’s helpful to prioritize sex as you would any other important task. In her interview with the National Post, she stated, “It’s not about viewing it as a chore, but rather making time for yourself and the experience. It’s about valuing it.”
So, all I need to do is move “sex” up the list and marital happiness will be mine? If that’s the secret, I’m all in—after I get my seven hours of uninterrupted sleep, of course.
Summary
A recent study reveals that many parents are not enjoying the sex lives they anticipated before having children. With high expectations of maintaining romance and intimacy, many couples find themselves struggling to prioritize their relationship amidst the demands of parenting. While the reality is often starkly different from expectations, there are ways to reconnect and improve intimacy. Simple conversations and prioritizing sex can help couples navigate their relationship during the challenging parenting years.
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