It's Okay If Family Dinners Aren't in Your Routine—and Here's Why

It’s Wednesday at 4:50 p.m. in my home, and chaos reigns. I’m hurriedly trying to whip up dinner while my 1-year-old is clinging to my legs, clearly preparing for her evening meltdown. My 5-year-old, meanwhile, is lamenting his hunger, despite having had a snack just an hour prior and already having his dinner smoothie in front of him.

I hastily place their meals on the table, reminiscent of a tired waitress at a diner, but I won’t be sitting down with them tonight. Sure, I might collapse into a chair next to my son for a moment, but I’ll be back on my feet in no time, cleaning up milk spills or food thrown by the toddler.

Once again, my husband is absent due to his demanding job in the tech industry, which comes with a long commute and extended hours. So, here we are again—no family dinner tonight. Although I know my husband and I spend quality time with our children, I still can’t shake the guilt that comes from seeing endless articles praising the benefits of shared family meals.

I know we aren’t the only family skipping dinner tonight and feeling guilty about it. However, a 2012 study from the University of Minnesota offers some relief. Researchers found that simply having family dinners did not directly lead to the previously touted benefits in children, such as lower obesity rates, better academic performance, and reduced delinquency. Instead, it was determined that family dinners are more of a “marker” for families who enjoy other advantages like more time and resources, rather than a cause of good outcomes.

The study utilized data collected from both children and parents at various stages of childhood from the National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health, a comprehensive study involving 18,000 children. The conclusion highlights a common misunderstanding: correlation does not imply causation. This finding is similar to recent research revealing that the advantages of breastfeeding are often linked to socioeconomic status rather than breastfeeding itself.

Bruce Feiler, a columnist for a renowned newspaper and author of The Secrets of Happy Families, suggests that it isn’t the family dinner that provides benefits, but rather the quality time spent together, regardless of when or where it happens. His examination of countless dinner conversations revealed that only about 10 minutes are spent on meaningful dialogue, with the rest consumed by mundane requests like “pass the ketchup” or “get your elbows off the table.”

So, if regular family dinners don’t fit into your life—like they don’t for mine—there’s no need for guilt. Ann Meier, co-author of the University of Minnesota study, reassures us that families can bond in other ways. Feiler echoes this sentiment, emphasizing that families can enjoy similar benefits by finding 10-15 minutes each day to connect.

Here are five alternatives to the traditional family dinner that busy families can consider:

Family Breakfast: For families with young children who rise early, breakfast can be a great time to bond. Friends have shared that they prioritize breakfast together, enjoying shared meals before the hectic day begins.
Video Chats: With changing schedules, evening video calls can become a daily ritual. For families with parents who work odd hours, these chats can replace family dinners and provide a chance for connection.
Family Playtime: Mealtime often involves distractions and chaos. Engaging in playful activities, like games or improvisational fun, can foster connection in a more relaxed setting.
Weekly Routines: Establishing special family traditions, like Sunday brunch or board game nights, can create opportunities for bonding that fit into busy schedules.
Car Conversations: Utilize travel time to connect. Many parents find that they have deeper conversations while driving, making the most of the time spent together in transit.

It’s worth noting that the University of Minnesota study did find that teenagers who frequently shared meals reported fewer symptoms of depression. Regular family meals may provide a platform for parents to check in on their teenagers’ emotional health.

Regardless of your family dynamics, strive to set aside at least 10-15 minutes each day to genuinely engage with your children. Disconnect from devices, turn off distractions, and see how much this small effort can enhance your connection.

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In summary, if family dinners don’t fit your lifestyle, don’t stress. Prioritize quality time in other ways that work for your family.