When my eldest child, Leo, was born, he refused to sleep for the first three months unless someone held him upright on the couch, cradled like a football. I’m not sure if that qualifies as co-sleeping, since we weren’t actually in bed, and dozing off on a pillow wedged between the couch arm and our bookshelf was hardly restful. Leo was sleeping, but my partner, Sarah, and I were not.
We took turns: Sarah usually handled the first half of the night, and I took over for the second half. After those exhausting three months, we finally managed to transition him to sleeping in our bed. He showed zero interest in his crib, so co-sleeping became our reality. I can’t recall exactly how long we did this—it’s been over a decade now—but I would guess somewhere between nine months and a year. Let me tell you, after months of trying to catch sleep sitting up, having a squirmy baby beside me felt like a dream.
Interestingly, once we decided to let Leo sleep with us, many parents judged Sarah for our co-sleeping arrangement. I, on the other hand, received little to no criticism even though I was just as involved in the decision. I remember chatting with a friend from our community who remarked on how tired I looked. When I mentioned that Leo was in bed with us, he responded, “Wow, you need to talk to your wife about that. It needs to stop.” He went on about the “cry it out” method.
As a new father and husband, I was naïve enough to just nod along. But later, I found myself questioning why this was framed as Sarah’s issue. Why was anyone to blame at all?
Honestly, if a parent expresses fatigue while raising a child three years old or younger, the appropriate response should be empathy. Consistent sleep is as rare as passing a bill in Congress—sometimes it happens, but not often. This holds true whether your child sleeps in your bed or a crib.
I wasn’t offended by his unsolicited advice as much as I was troubled by the assumption that it was Sarah’s fault. Or that I held some authority to dictate our child’s sleeping arrangements.
Ultimately, Sarah and I are partners. Sure, we have our disagreements, but they’re part of our journey toward compromise. This applies to every aspect of our lives—finances, household chores, and yes, sleeping arrangements. If one of our kids struggles to sleep, it’s nobody’s fault, not even the child’s. Sleep patterns vary widely; some kids are great sleepers, while others are not. Blaming a parent for a child’s sleeplessness is as absurd as blaming gravity for a broken egg.
I know there will be sleep experts eager to share their wisdom, but let me say this: what parents truly need is support, not judgment. They don’t need someone questioning their choices, especially when it comes to co-sleeping. Mothers especially don’t need the added pressure of blame hanging over them for their child’s sleepless nights.
Here’s the reality: I have three kids, and my youngest is about to turn four. Unless one of them is sick, they all sleep through the night. They’ve all shared our bed at different times and transitioned out when they were ready. With each child, Sarah and I had discussions about nighttime care, arriving at decisions that suited our family. It was challenging but ultimately rewarding. Parenting young children is tough; some days are fulfilling, while others make you want to escape to the wilderness.
I can’t recall a moment when judgment from other parents made my experience easier. We need to focus more on what works for our families and less on comparing ourselves to others. Each child is unique, and we should trust that parents are doing their best to help their children sleep, all while working together as a team. If a child isn’t sleeping, it’s nobody’s fault. And if parents choose to co-sleep, it’s a decision made with their family’s best interest in mind.
We need more compassion and less criticism because parenting is both incredibly fulfilling and demanding, especially when sleep-deprived. Let’s support one another and create a loving community.
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In summary, co-sleeping should not be a source of shame or judgment. Parents are navigating their unique journeys, and support is what they truly need.
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