Before I even became a mother, I envisioned having a baby who would happily be passed around from person to person. I imagined her being cheerful and never experiencing stranger anxiety. How naive I was, not just as a first-time mom but also as my child’s guardian.
At a family gathering when my little one was just 10 weeks old, she was fussy, so I opted to wear her in a ring sling. Another mother, who had her third child around my daughter’s age, commented that I was being an “overprotective” mom for “coddling” her. While I chuckled at the remark, it also stung a bit. My approach to parenting is gentle and calm, not coddling. At that moment, I simply wanted to enjoy the event with my baby nestled against me, hoping to have a warm meal.
Despite this, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for not allowing others to hold her. I eventually caved and let family members take turns holding my baby, even though it was against my instincts and she was clearly uncomfortable.
As my daughter reached 5 months, she started displaying signs of shyness. She would often cry when others tried to hold her. I wanted to be accommodating and let her connect with family, but I also recognized her need for comfort. My inner people pleaser clashed with my desire to prioritize her emotional well-being. I soon realized that my daughter’s comfort was more important than how others perceived my parenting style.
What I had to accept was that my child is naturally shy. She needs time to adjust to family members, even those she sees regularly. There are moments when she just wants her parents, and when someone gets too close, she becomes distressed, leaving my husband and me to calm her down. I understood this, yet some people took it personally, thinking I didn’t trust them or even attributing it to my postpartum depression. None of that was true; we simply recognized her boundaries and wanted to respect them.
I’ve decided to stop pushing my child to be overly social. While we still encourage gentle socialization, we no longer worry about others’ judgments. I won’t apologize for my daughter crying when someone else holds her or for wearing her when she’s tired. I’ve learned that all the pressure I exerted in the past only prolonged her discomfort, and that was exhausting for both of us.
Now that she’s 18 months old, it’s crucial for her to understand that she has control over her own body. She has every right to refuse any kind of hug or touch, and she can communicate with us if someone makes her uncomfortable.
This doesn’t mean I’ll discourage her from being polite or acknowledging family members. We still encourage comfortable interactions, typically from my or my husband’s lap, and we aim to raise her to be socially graceful. What we want to instill is the understanding that her body belongs to her alone. She doesn’t have to offer kisses or hugs if she doesn’t want to; she can choose to give high fives instead or interact in her own way.
Looking back, I chuckle at my pre-baby self for thinking parenting would be straightforward. The reality is that it’s a complex balancing act, raising loving children who also understand their boundaries. It’s about nurturing a child within our supportive “village” while ensuring she never feels pressured into uncomfortable situations. We are committed to teaching her that she can always express her feelings and that her comfort is paramount.
My hope for her is to grow into a confident young woman who recognizes her worth and understands that her body is her choice.
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