It’s dinnertime, and my husband is on his way back from work. My daughter is at her tiny table, her plate filled with food, while a pink Amazon Fire device keeps her engaged with Dora the Explorer. Meanwhile, I’m on the couch nursing my newborn, hoping that Dora can hold her attention long enough for me to get through the feeding.
She suddenly asks for more water, and I feel a wave of dread wash over me—I forgot to fill her water bottle before settling down. I tell her I’ll refill it once I’m done feeding her brother, but this triggers a full-blown toddler meltdown. In my frustration, I raise my voice, urging her to be patient, which only frightens her and brings on the tears.
Cue the mom guilt—except this time it’s multiplied because I feel like I’ve let two little ones down: my upset daughter and my confused newborn, who I’ve had to unlatch. I hate to admit it, but this scenario plays out more often than I’d like these days. Juggling the needs of a newborn and a toddler is incredibly draining. Just as I think I’ve got a handle on things, a new challenge arises that sends me spiraling.
The guilt of being a second-time mom weighs heavily on me. It’s not just about disappointing one child anymore; I feel like I’m failing both of them. This emotional burden often brings me to tears and leaves me questioning my abilities as a mother. And let’s not forget the poor dog, who hasn’t been walked in weeks. Now I feel like I’m falling short for all three of my “babies.”
When my daughter was my son’s age, we spent our days singing songs, reading, and engaging in endless storytelling. Now, I’m so exhausted that I’m lucky if either child hears my voice for more than half an hour each day. I constantly grapple with feelings of inadequacy—my daughter, just two years old, wants a playmate, not someone who says “no” all the time, while I worry that my son might face speech delays because he isn’t exposed to enough conversation.
This guilt is tough to manage, and I need to find healthier ways to cope with it. I remind myself that I chose to have more than one child, and I come from a large family. As the youngest of four, I’m sure my parents were far more exhausted than I am now, and I turned out just fine, right? I keep telling myself that having a sibling is beneficial for both kids; it certainly was for me. Forcing my daughter to engage in creative activities while I nurse her brother will cultivate her patience and artistic skills. And while my son may not get as much one-on-one time, witnessing my interactions with his big sister will be enriching for him too.
I know that learning to share, being patient, and compromising are invaluable skills they will develop together. Every mom can relate to guilt, and for those of us with multiple children, it can feel especially intense. I’m still learning how to navigate this new terrain, reminding myself to breathe, extend patience to my daughter—she’s only two, after all—resetting my expectations for my newborn, and forgiving myself at the end of each day. Tomorrow is a new chance to improve.
This article was originally published on March 21, 2018.
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Summary:
Navigating motherhood as a second-time mom can be overwhelming. The guilt of feeling inadequate for both a toddler and a newborn can lead to emotional turmoil. These feelings are common, and it’s essential to remind oneself of the benefits of sibling relationships and to practice self-forgiveness daily.
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