Parenting is often described as a finely tuned operation, especially for those managing it alone. Take my friend, Mia, a single mother whose daily routine resembles a military exercise: she wakes up, feeds the baby while her toddler watches a show, prepares breakfast, dresses them both, and gets herself ready for work—all while keeping the kids entertained with yet another program. After she drops one child off at daycare and the other at preschool, she rushes to work, only to repeat the cycle in reverse at the end of the day, all while squeezing in groceries, dinner prep, bath time, and bedtime stories. By the time she cleans the kitchen and answers work emails, she barely finds time for rest.
Mia rarely complains, but one day during school pickup, she expressed a desire for her kids to watch less TV. Another parent suggested, “Why not just set out some crayons or arts and crafts? That should keep him busy!” Mia sighed, explaining that while she wished that were true, the TV reliably captivates her kids for a solid 10 to 20 minutes, whereas crayons lose their interest in mere seconds. Plus, there’s the clean-up to consider.
In another scenario, my friend Clara, who often opts for quick and packaged meals due to her busy work schedule, mentioned her struggle to make homemade dinners. A fellow mom chimed in with, “Why not prepare meals on the weekends and reheat them during the week?” Clara quickly countered, “Not really possible, as my weekends are filled with errands and childcare.”
These exchanges weren’t meant to be cutting; our mom group generally offers supportive suggestions, but they still left Mia and Clara feeling somewhat diminished. It’s as if the implication was that if they were more efficient, their children would be enjoying gourmet dinners and engaging in stimulating play rather than watching TV.
Despite having a flexible job, I often find it challenging to juggle cooking, exercise, hobbies, cleaning, and quality time with my children. Most days, something has to give. I appreciate hacks like quick cleaning tips or recipes that yield multiple dinners, but they don’t tackle the real issue—there simply aren’t enough hours in the day.
It would be kinder to acknowledge that not every issue has a clear solution, especially when time and energy are limited. Sometimes, “solving the problem” might mean accepting fast food or allowing extra screen time.
I recall my own experience when my second son was just six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park in Manhattan, but I couldn’t face the logistics of taking both kids there. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just strap the baby in a carrier and take a travel stroller?” While that might have been doable, at that moment, I felt utterly overwhelmed and exhausted. The idea of packing everything, holding my toddler’s hand, and managing the baby’s needs was too much. I felt guilty for not making the trip happen, but I just couldn’t.
This phrase, “Can’t you just…”, might seem trivial, but it adds to the pressure on parents who are already feeling swamped. Many of us can’t always prepare meals from scratch, fit in a workout, or tidy up the house. Sometimes, we simply want to collapse with a pint of ice cream.
Let’s agree to remove this phrase from our parenting discussions. It isn’t our responsibility to solve each other’s problems, especially when everyone already knows the so-called solutions (yes, meal prepping is common knowledge). Instead, let’s support one another by saying, “It’s okay to enjoy takeout” or “We watched endless hours of TV, and we turned out just fine.” While it’s tempting to offer suggestions, sometimes the best support is simply reassuring someone that they’re doing great.
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In summary, let’s create a more supportive atmosphere for parents by refraining from phrases that unintentionally imply they should be doing better. Instead, we can acknowledge the challenges they face and provide the encouragement they need to feel confident in their parenting journey.
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