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I can’t shake the feeling that my marriage is irreparably damaged—so broken that a simple date night or getaway wouldn’t even begin to mend it. Suggesting something as superficial as that feels like throwing Band-Aids at a broken leg. I refuse to just mask the wounds with ointment and hope they heal without leaving scars. We’ve been doing that for far too long, and a mere “timeout” isn’t going to suffice this time.
I can’t help but think it’s my fault. My emotional foundation feels shaky, and I haven’t been steady on my feet for a while now. Perhaps I’ve leaned on him too heavily. To complicate matters, my old friend, Depression, seems to be living with us, settling uncomfortably between us. I often fall short in my role as a homemaker, and when he comes home, it’s as if a tornado has swept through our living space. The laundry is piled high, and oops, no clean boxer shorts for tomorrow? Sorry, I was busy trying to keep our child from choking or getting hurt. You’re welcome.
We’re both utterly exhausted. The kind of tired that you read about. Our once beautiful life together has morphed into something stressful, and lately, we find ourselves resenting each other and squabbling over trivial matters. Some say children bring couples closer, but I beg to differ. Sure, maybe in the delivery room or when we’re older in a nursing home, but outside of that? Nonsense.
Our approaches to parenting clash significantly. Apparently, I’m the one who enforces discipline. When I say “no,” it means “no.” When he says “maybe,” it often translates to “yes.” I feel like the villain in our children’s eyes while he unwittingly plays the good cop, and he doesn’t seem to grasp why that frustrates me. After spending the day with a toddler, I’m practically at the door ready to escape as soon as he walks in. Dinner? That’s a joke.
I don’t know why I thought this would be simpler. It feels as if we’re the only ones grappling with our so-called perfect life since no one openly discusses these struggles. “Do you ever dislike your husband?” is not a question I would dare ask, fearing the response would be, “How could I? Our life is flawless.” Thanks a lot, June and Ward Cleaver, for making it all look effortless. The reality is far from simple.
Today, I find myself longing for the marriage we once had. I miss my best friend and the unshakeable “Us” we were before all these wonderful blessings arrived and complicated everything. We used to lift each other up and feel unstoppable as a team. Remember those days?
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Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Jessica Wright expresses deep concerns about her struggling marriage, feeling it may be beyond repair. She acknowledges the challenges of parenting, personal struggles, and the emotional distance that has developed between her and her partner. Jessica longs for the connection they once had and highlights the importance of discussing these issues openly, as well as seeking resources for support in both marriage and family planning.
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