Regret isn’t something I dwell on, nor do I believe in chastising ourselves for past naivety as children navigating a tumultuous world. Instead, I see my past experiences as valuable lessons that can guide me in raising my children with a stronger moral compass than I had. As someone who wasn’t unkind but often remained silent in the face of cruelty, I aspire to instill a sense of bravery and compassion in my kids.
I was the quintessential “good” girl—perhaps too good for my own liking. I vividly recall being scolded by my first-grade teacher for turning around to assist a classmate, Sarah, with her math problems. The shame of being reprimanded for merely trying to help haunted me for years. Throughout my youth, I diligently completed my assignments and adhered to the rules, but I also fell prey to a more unflattering side of conformity. Following the crowd often meant aligning with those who were less than kind, and I too became complicit in unkind actions.
My perfectionistic tendencies extended to my social interactions, where I carefully navigated the complexities of peer dynamics. I learned to toe the line of social acceptance—dressing a certain way, laughing at the right moments, and choosing my lunch companions wisely. I followed the unwritten rules about who to include and who to exclude in our friend group.
Although I never led the charge in bullying, I certainly didn’t intervene either. I often stood by as my classmates teased those less fortunate—like Emma, who wore tattered clothes, or Lily, whose hair was unkempt. My primary concern was to avoid being targeted myself, which meant I kept my head down while others were hurt.
While I don’t believe in a life riddled with regret, I feel a strong responsibility to ensure that my children learn from my past. I engage them in conversations about kindness and empathy almost every day. I ask them if they feel treated kindly by others and whether they are kind themselves. We discuss what true kindness looks like and whether everyone in their class has a friend. I encourage them to empathize with those who might be lonely, to imagine the pain of having no one to play with or share their joys with.
Fortunately, schools today emphasize kindness more than in the past. My children’s school is currently reading Wonder, and they have weekly assignments centered on kindness, culminating in a school-wide event. Their previous school also focused on leadership, teaching important lessons about standing up for others and being responsible citizens. These initiatives provide a solid foundation for the values I want to instill in my children.
However, it’s not enough to merely teach them to avoid bullying. It’s essential to empower them to become upstanders. As defined by The Bully Project, an upstander recognizes wrongdoing and takes action to correct it. They speak up against bullying, embodying the essence of social responsibility. The uncomfortable truth is that being a bystander is often just as harmful as participating in the act. True bravery lies in stepping outside of the circle to reach out to someone in need, like introducing oneself to a lonely child during recess.
Instilling the courage to be an upstander is a challenge I face as a parent. I can’t guarantee my children will always have that courage, but I can equip them with the knowledge of what it means to be genuinely kind and brave in today’s world.
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In summary, as I reflect on my own childhood experiences, I aim to nurture a sense of kindness and bravery in my daughter, preparing her to navigate a world that can often be unkind. I strive to raise her to be a compassionate individual who stands up for others and creates an inclusive environment.
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