How I Became a ‘Parenting Guru’ (Before Embracing Parenthood)

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It’s often said that those who can raise a perfectly behaved child are typically the ones without kids. You can spot these individuals easily; they’re the ones who don’t have a smear of dried pudding on their jeans. They’ve never had a toddler sneak close enough to wiggle a booger into their hair while they fumble with the cart seat belt.

Before I had children, I fancied myself a child-rearing expert. Here are some of my audacious predictions and the reality I encountered:

1. My children will never misbehave in public.
   By “misbehave,” I meant I would be spared the sight of tantrums echoing through the aisles like a banshee being chased by a shark. When those fits do occur, I react as anyone would in my situation: asking nearby strangers if those screaming little ones are theirs or whispering, “I’m just the babysitter.” Sometimes, I even applaud my kids for their impressive thrashing skills that defy the laws of physics.
2. I’ll never leave the house looking disheveled.
   Oh, how that turned out to be false! It’s not that I don’t care about my appearance; I just often forget to do things like brush my hair or apply any makeup. But hey, at least I’ve never left the house without pants—so, there’s that.
3. My kids will eat healthily.
   My little ones are notoriously picky eaters. Convincing them to consume anything other than stickers or crayons is a small triumph. If they opt for chicken nuggets over green beans, I’m practically ready to raise a hallelujah. A gummy vitamin thrown in twice a day keeps my guilt at bay.
4. My home will never resemble a disaster zone.
   Currently, my living room looks like a toy factory explosion. Toys, clothes, and stuffed animals are strewn about. I’ve learned that cleaning up while kids are awake is futile—like trying to mop up a kitchen after a blender gone rogue. The only way my house will ever be tidy is if it combusts spontaneously.
5. I’ll always be on time.
   The moment we need to leave the house, my kids transform into the slowest creatures on the planet. When it’s time to go, they could break the time-space continuum with their dawdling. Getting them to wear coats and shoes is an exercise in futility; they seem more interested in trying to wear their shoes on their heads.
6. I won’t negotiate with my children.
   Negotiation is a skill I thought I would avoid, but it turns out to be a necessary tool. For instance, if little Mia wants ice cream, she must eat three more chicken nuggets. It’s less about fostering independence and more about getting my way—perhaps it’s more like bribing, but who’s keeping score?
7. I won’t let them watch TV.
   During long winter days, when cabin fever sets in, the TV becomes my sanctuary. It’s a magical box that grants me at least 15 minutes of quiet, allowing me to regroup and contemplate my life choices.
8. I’ll never feel annoyed by my kids.
   Sometimes, I play hide and seek without telling anyone else. I find a hiding spot where my three-year-old would never think to look—like inside the dryer—and indulge in a little candy while I wait.
9. Traveling won’t be a hassle.
   A simple trip to the store now requires more planning than pioneers needed for westward expansion. If our forebearers had toddlers in tow, they wouldn’t have made it past the first mile before someone realized they left a toy behind. We do travel now, but let’s just say I’m still processing the experience in therapy.
10. My children will listen to me.
    I’ve come to realize that early childhood development doesn’t include the ability to listen. They can hear me, but listening? That’s another story. I often find myself resorting to full auctioneer mode to get their attention—by the time they respond, I could have sold a sheep at a farm auction miles away.

Parenthood is a humbling journey. Nothing tests your patience and resilience quite like raising children—well, perhaps surviving a winter in the Alaskan wilderness while being pursued by wolves would be more challenging. Let’s just hope those wolves are moving at -40 miles per hour and keep their boogers to themselves.

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Summary:

Before becoming a parent, I held several misconceptions about child-rearing, ranging from unrealistic expectations about behavior to naive beliefs about maintaining my appearance. As I navigated the chaotic world of parenthood, I quickly learned that reality often diverges dramatically from my earlier beliefs. The experience has been both humbling and enlightening, revealing the complexities of raising children and the importance of flexibility in parenting.