Sooner or later, we all cross paths with a parent who believes their child can do no wrong. For them, nothing is ever the child’s fault. In every incident—often occurring with alarming frequency—someone else is always to blame.
If their child’s grades are slipping, it’s not because they’re busy tossing paper airplanes instead of paying attention; it’s because the teacher is simply mean and has it out for them. When conflicts arise with another child, these parents don’t ask, “What happened?” Instead, they ask, “What did Alex do to provoke you?” They’re the ones who frequently call other parents to vent, storm into schools with fury to discuss the institution’s “failings,” and complain to friends about how everyone seems to be targeting their child.
While it’s true that kids sometimes face bullying and can find themselves in unfair situations, this doesn’t mean that every incident is completely out of their control. Yes, we should advocate for our children and support them when they are genuinely wronged. However, shouldn’t we first ensure that they are truly victims in these situations?
If your child is consistently on the receiving end of some form of wrongdoing, it may be worth taking a step back to examine their role. Sometimes, it’s your child who is engaging in questionable behavior. If you’re not holding them accountable, you’re enabling a mindset where it’s acceptable to act poorly as long as someone else takes the blame.
Every parent’s instinct is to defend their child, and that’s admirable—it reflects a caring nature. However, after the initial shock of discovering that your beloved child may not be so innocent, it’s vital to detach emotional responses from factual assessments. Consider whether there’s even a small chance that your child might be at fault, or at the very least, what role they played in the incident.
Let’s be real: actions are rarely unprovoked, and consequences don’t appear out of thin air. It’s your responsibility to take a candid look at their part in any conflict, even if it seems out of character. If they share some responsibility, be prepared to acknowledge it rather than shifting the blame elsewhere.
Admitting that your child has erred can feel like an admission of your own shortcomings as a parent. But remember, this isn’t solely about your parenting; children are individuals, and they are not perfect. Regardless of how well you guide them, kids will occasionally make poor choices, even those who generally behave well. It’s all part of learning about boundaries and the world around them, and these lessons don’t always unfold smoothly.
Recently, my youngest son—whom I consider the most gentle of my children, always kind, an honor student—reacted poorly to a disagreement with his older brother by urinating on his pillow. Yes, you read that right. This behavior shocked me; it was completely out of character. Yet, he acted on that impulse, and it served as a strong reminder that even the best-behaved kids can do things that are, frankly, awful.
When such incidents occur, it’s crucial to seize the opportunity to make your child own up to their actions. This teaches them accountability instead of fostering a belief that they can misbehave and deflect responsibility onto others.
Moreover, if you consistently allow your children to evade responsibility—encouraging them to blame others or circumstances—you inadvertently teach them that they lack control over their lives. They may start to believe that the world is unfairly stacked against them, and if they can’t ever be at fault, then they may feel powerless to change anything.
So, if you find your children often caught in conflicts—whether at school or among friends—take a moment to analyze the situation before reacting. I completely understand the instinct to fiercely protect your child, but it’s essential to evaluate the facts before rushing to judgment. Failing to do so may raise an entitled individual who never learns the importance of taking responsibility.
Remember, children who never learn to take accountability for their actions rarely grow into adults who do.
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Summary
It’s crucial for parents to recognize when their child might be at fault in various situations. While defending our kids is natural, fostering accountability is essential to their development. By encouraging them to own their actions instead of deflecting blame, we help them grow into responsible adults.
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