When my daughter’s nanny remarked that I was the only new mom she had ever encountered who didn’t shed a tear on my first day back at work after maternity leave, I felt a small sense of pride. Yet, a larger part of me questioned whether I truly loved my daughter enough.
As I walked to the subway on my second day as a working mom, I imagined a black heart emoji floating above my head, a constant reminder of my supposed emotional detachment as I sought to juggle work and life. Surely, something must be amiss if I managed to avoid the tears typically associated with returning to work after childbirth. Why didn’t I break down saying goodbye to my little one? Why wasn’t I moved to tears by her innocent coos as I explained that I would return in about ten hours? Wasn’t I concerned that this was the longest time we’d ever been apart? That I would need to pump instead of feeding her directly? That I wouldn’t know how many times she pooped until the nanny filled me in later?
The truth is, just three months into motherhood, I was eager to reclaim a part of my former self. My decision to return to work was made without any internal conflict. While the early days of bonding with my daughter were filled with innumerable cherished moments, maternity leave reinforced that being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t the right fit for me.
As my official start date loomed, I found myself increasingly excited about the idea of spending 8 to 10 hours five days a week doing work that I find fulfilling. The thought of interacting with adults, using the bathroom without juggling a baby, and enjoying meals whenever I pleased was exhilarating! I had carefully chosen a nanny after interviewing many candidates, so I had complete confidence that my daughter was in excellent hands. I recognized that maintaining a piece of my pre-baby identity through work was crucial for my mental health.
Of course, I miss my daughter during the workday. I long to hold her and see her toothless grin at least every hour. Nevertheless, I haven’t experienced any emotional turmoil while apart from her, nor have I shed a single tear. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine!
I’m not a black heart emoji just because I cherish my time away from home. I wholeheartedly love both my job and my daughter. I’m more like a vibrant pink heart sprinkled with gold sparkles, even if I have to remind myself repeatedly that there’s no single “right” way to be a mom. For more on motherhood and related topics, check out this resource on pregnancy or explore fertility supplements to support your journey. If you’re interested in self insemination, this kit is a great place to start.
In summary, being a working mom doesn’t mean I love my daughter any less. It’s about finding the right balance for my mental health and embracing my multifaceted identity.
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