Let’s kick things off: my first child was a spontaneous decision. You know, the kind where you think, “What the heck, let’s see what happens.” Conceived after a wild night out, filled with drinks and smoke at one of those clubs that still allowed smoking — back in the day when I was a regular smoker.
It was the early 2000s, and I was a pack-a-day smoker, favoring long, elegant cigarettes that I sometimes held in a vintage cigarette holder, a nod to my graduate school pretensions. I had been smoking since my college sophomore year, and that was quite a while ago. Along with that, I was living with unmedicated ADHD, which meant I often reached for stimulants as a means of coping — my infamous Red Bull habit is a testament to that.
When I took a pregnancy test and saw those two blue lines, we were overjoyed — except for the little hiccup of my smoking habit. I immediately contacted the sole midwife in my area, who suggested valerian root as a way to quit. Spoiler alert: valerian root didn’t work.
A couple of weeks later, feeling intense anxiety about my inability to quit smoking (despite cutting back a lot), I faced a threatened miscarriage, which was later revealed to be caused by cervical bleeding from intimacy, but I didn’t know that at the time. I was a wreck. I spent five hours in the ER, crying through every moment, including the first time I saw my son on the doppler scan. I was overwhelmed with guilt and panic, convinced that I had made an irreversible mistake. Prenatal depression had gripped me tightly just six weeks into the pregnancy, and it didn’t let go.
Many people are unaware that prenatal depression is quite common. It can lead to feelings of hopelessness, a yearning to withdraw from life, and even thoughts of self-harm and suicide. The only thing that kept me from acting on those thoughts? The desire to protect my unborn child. All my willpower was spent just trying to stay alive and cope with panic attacks. I had nothing left to fight my nicotine addiction.
So, I continued to smoke. I’d sneak out to the back porch for 2-3 cigarettes a day, always feeling guilty yet relieved. My partner tried to hide the cigarettes, but I always found them. I even asked friends to buy them for me and would sneak a few puffs in their cars, crouched low to hide my burgeoning belly. When it became clear that I needed psychiatric help — something we should have recognized earlier — I was too scared to admit to my doctor that I still smoked. I feared her judgment and the potential impact on my medical records and insurance. I didn’t want to lose the one source of comfort in my life.
I kept my smoking habit hidden, even from my mother, who stayed with me during my eighth month. I smoked during labor too; it was a way to cope with the intense pain and stress. I stopped briefly when I transitioned to the midwife, but after my son was born, I was so caught up in the whirlwind of hospital protocols and caring for him that I completely forgot about smoking. I was confined to that hospital room for three days, and by the time I left, I hadn’t picked up a cigarette in days.
My son has shown no negative effects from my smoking during pregnancy so far. His ADHD is genetic, and while he did have eczema, so did his sibling. However, I still carry the anxiety that my actions may have caused some irreversible damage. I worry that my smoking might have triggered an unknown health issue in him; perhaps cancer or mental illness. I continually fear that I might have set off a time bomb with my choices.
I didn’t enjoy smoking while pregnant, but I felt powerless to quit. You must understand that if I had the choice, I would have stopped. In my darkest moments, I loved the child I was carrying and wanted nothing but the best for him. I knew my actions were harmful, but I was trapped in a cycle of despair. I wished I could have changed things then, and I still wish I could now.
If you’re interested in learning more about enhancing your fertility, check out this resource on fertility boosters for men. And for further insights on pregnancy, Healthline provides excellent information.
In summary, my experience with smoking during pregnancy was fraught with guilt and mental health struggles. While I couldn’t quit, I remained committed to my child’s well-being, navigating the complexities of prenatal depression and addiction.
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