It truly does take a community. I recall hearing that phrase often when my children were younger. Back in those days, it was clear that we were all navigating parenthood together—transporting kids, spending afternoons at local parks, and exchanging insights on everything from developmental stages to the latest parenting fads. As first-time parents, we sometimes felt overwhelmed, and instinctively banded together like a group facing a common threat.
But then, almost overnight, our once malleable children morphed into the stubborn teenagers we never anticipated. As a relaxed parent, I initially felt fortunate that my teenagers still communicated openly with me. Their candidness was so intense at times that I found myself wanting to cover my ears and hum, la la la la la. After these discussions, I often rummaged through my own teenage memories for comfort, hoping that whatever they were experiencing was just a typical phase. Until it wasn’t, and we realized it was time to step in more firmly.
Despite our efforts at home, it often felt like parental guidance was no match for the influence of peers. So, I decided to reach out to the parents of my kids’ friends. After all, it takes a village. Together, we could share experiences, pool resources, and create a united front to help our kids. It wasn’t about being their friends; as my son put it, we could be “the bad guys” together. According to our kids, no one else’s parents seemed to care—so why were we making such a fuss?
What I encountered was a mixed response. Some parents appeared shocked by their children’s actions—experimenting with drugs, drinking, and even showcasing stolen medication on social media. Others reacted defensively, while some tried to help but ultimately fell back on the notion that “kids will be kids.” This often left me feeling like I was being judged, as if the issues stemmed solely from my child, which only fueled my frustration and left my daughter feeling isolated and bullied. In trying to connect with other parents, I inadvertently worsened the situation, causing my kids to lose trust in me.
I watched helplessly as my daughter’s circle of friends shrank, leaving her with a few companions who weren’t ideal but were better than nothing in her eyes. The vibrant, cheerful girl we once knew faded into someone unrecognizable. By the time we enrolled her in a wilderness program in Utah, she had been banned from the homes of numerous friends due to behaviors they had all engaged in.
Reaching the point where you must seek external help can feel like a significant failure, but it wasn’t just ours. My community had also let us down. I often felt like an outsider, holding my breath as my daughter’s peers finished middle school while she was out in the wilderness, carrying a heavy backpack and navigating her own challenges.
When I encountered parents I had known for years, they acted as if everything was fine, rarely asking about my daughter or how we were managing. While I can understand the desire to avoid uncomfortable conversations, it hurt that they believed ignoring our struggles would spare us any discomfort.
Among wilderness parents, feelings of shame and isolation are common, often stemming from a fear of judgment. Yet, we all know that any teenager can experience a sudden shift—no matter how intelligent or accomplished they may seem. Some teens, like mine, dive headfirst into the complexities of adolescence. Whatever they choose to share with us is often just the surface of much deeper issues.
For months, I mourned the loss of my community. However, over time, I found that certain friendships deepened. Neighbors who had been observing from a distance began to reach out with kind words. Through our educational consultant and shared experiences, I connected with a network of parents on similar journeys. As another wilderness parent reminded me, this is our new village.
To those who may encounter families with struggling teens, I offer this advice: unless space is requested, please extend your support. Misinformation can spread easily, and a simple conversation can clear up misunderstandings. Approach us, don’t talk about us, and offer a hug before any judgment. If our children see this, they might learn to do the same.
In summary, navigating the challenges of parenting teenagers can feel isolating, especially when support systems falter. However, through perseverance and reaching out, new connections can form, and a renewed sense of community can emerge.
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