If there’s one thing you’ll quickly realize after discovering you’re expecting, it’s that the first trimester can feel like an endless slog. After the thrill of a positive pregnancy test, sharing the news with friends and family, and stocking up on those baby books, you might find yourself wondering what to do next while you wait for ultrasounds, kicks, and that adorable baby bump to appear. The obvious solution? Download a pregnancy tracker app! (Because how else will you compare your developing child to various fruits and vegetables?) While these apps can offer daily reminders that yes, you are still pregnant, they often lack a certain brutal honesty. So, if they were completely candid, here’s what they might say:
Week 4
Congratulations! If you’re already aware of your pregnancy, prepare yourself for a long journey. Buckle up—10 months can feel like an eternity when you’re the one growing a human. Yep, you heard right. Ten months. Cheers! Oh wait, make that a seltzer.
Week 6
That so-called pregnancy glow? It’s about as elusive as a solar eclipse. What they really mean is the oily sheen from your teenage years returning. But hey, at least your bigger bust might distract from the acne. Start celebrating those tiny victories.
Week 9
By now, you’ve probably realized that the $50 spent on Preggie Pops and anti-nausea remedies could have been better spent on a giant pile of carbs that actually work. Embrace the binge-watching of your favorite shows in sweatpants and your partner’s ancient band t-shirt. You’re too nauseous for anything else anyway, right? #dontjudge
Week 13
If you’re trying to keep your pregnancy under wraps at work, it might be a good idea to keep your office door closed while you’re running to the restroom. You know how nosey people like Greg from HR can be.
Week 16
Now that everyone knows you’re pregnant and not just a bit chubby, let that belly hang out. Go on and enjoy that third Gordita Supreme; it might just speed up your transition to real maternity wear.
Week 19
That cheeseburger topped with Nutella and olives looks… intriguing. You might want to start stocking up on Tums. And if you’re one of those rare women craving vegetables? Just keep that to yourself, please.
Week 21
Congratulations on reaching the halfway mark! But remember, pregnancy is actually ten months. Ten. Just making sure you caught that, especially since your ability to remember anything seems to be on vacation. And yes, we’re looking at you, Hugh Grant.
Week 24
What did we learn this week? Fake wine is not a substitute for the real thing. Good job!
Week 29
Remember when every kick felt magical? Yeah, those days are gone, huh?
Week 33
Your baby weighs about 4 pounds, while you’ve gained 34. The math is fuzzy, but who’s counting?
Week 37
After rushing to finish the nursery and packing your hospital bag, you’re left with the sobering realization that you could still be pregnant for another four weeks. Sorry, no advice here—just sympathy.
Week 39
Even though it feels like your baby is ready to kick their way out, rest assured that it takes way more than that for them to make their grand entrance.
Week 41
Feel free to call up your friends who bet on you going early and tell them to go take a hike. It might make you feel good for a moment, but don’t worry—Ben and Jerry will be waiting for you with open arms.
Now that your little one has finally arrived, you may be eager to ditch that pregnancy tracker that has been your constant companion for the past 10 months. But guess what? You’ll need to download a baby tracker app to compare your bundle of joy to every other kid out there. You can thank us later when you’re not frantically Googling, “How much baby poop is normal?” in the middle of the night.
For more information on home insemination, check out this excellent resource on IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and learn about using a home insemination kit for your journey.
Summary
This humorous take on what a candid pregnancy tracker would say emphasizes the ups and downs of pregnancy, from the early days of excitement to the long wait for delivery. It provides a light-hearted look at the often-unspoken realities of being pregnant, reminding readers to keep their sense of humor intact.
Leave a Reply