My son, who is eleven years old, identifies as a trans boy. He came out to us a year ago and immediately began his social transition. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions we encounter.
How can you be sure this isn’t just a “phase”?
Long before we understood the term transgender, our son communicated his identity in countless ways. He was adamant that he did not identify as a girl and consistently expressed his true self through his choices in play, clothing, and demeanor over several years.
What was the school’s response to his transition?
When I first informed my son’s teacher about his transgender identity, I was met with, “I want to support him, but I must protect the other students.” Thankfully, we live in a progressive area with laws supporting transgender rights. Our school district collaborated with us to place him in a different, more accommodating school where he could remain non-disclosing. He has thrived there with a supportive teacher and principal, and he’s made good friends who are unaware of his transgender status. However, he has overheard some hurtful comments from peers about transgender individuals, which has been difficult for him. Thankfully, he has a fantastic therapist to help him process these experiences.
What will happen when he reaches puberty?
He is currently seeing a therapist, a pediatrician, and a doctor specializing in transgender youth to ensure his emotional and social well-being. He hasn’t reached the stage of puberty that requires hormonal intervention yet.
What are Tanner stages?
Tanner stages refer to a series of physical development milestones that can be assessed either visually or through blood tests. Most transgender youth begin puberty blockers when they reach Tanner stage two.
Will you force him to take hormones?
Our approach is to collaborate with the professionals who know him best to determine what he may want or need in the future. Transitioning involves both social and medical elements. The initial step usually involves social transitioning—changing his name, pronouns, and the way he presents himself. Later on, this may include puberty blockers to delay puberty and, eventually, hormone therapy—testosterone for trans boys and estrogen for trans girls—typically introduced during the teenage years.
What if he changes his mind?
We are committed to supporting him regardless of where his gender journey leads. Our understanding, backed by research, suggests that “de-transitioning” is quite uncommon.
How have family and friends reacted?
The support has been overwhelmingly positive. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the willingness of older relatives to learn about transgender issues. Friends and family with strong religious backgrounds have also shown understanding. A few have expressed skepticism about our support, but that’s their perspective to navigate.
Is he gay?
He’s unsure at this point. He might be heterosexual, attracted to girls, homosexual, interested in boys, or pansexual, drawn to people regardless of their gender identity. Gender identity and sexual orientation are distinct concepts. He knows he has our unconditional support as he discovers his sexual orientation.
Why do you keep his transgender identity private?
We don’t keep it a secret; rather, we respect his privacy. He is a boy, and details about his biological attributes are his to share when he chooses. Just like other personal information—financial, health—we believe in respecting our children’s right to privacy. It’s important to approach this topic with sensitivity and not disclose someone’s gender history without their consent. Zeke Smith, a transgender man, eloquently states that sharing gender history can sometimes lead to less authenticity rather than liberation for trans individuals.
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In summary, understanding and supporting our transgender son has been a journey filled with questions and learning. Our focus remains on providing him with the love and guidance he needs as he navigates his identity.
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