When my first child, Oliver, was born, he would only sleep for the first three months if someone held him upright on the couch. Technically, this might not qualify as co-sleeping since we weren’t in bed, but I can assure you, resting my head on a pillow wedged between the bookshelf and the arm of the couch was far from restful. Sure, Oliver was asleep, but his mom, Sarah, and I were not.
We took shifts—Sarah usually handled the first half of the night, while I took over later. After three grueling months of this, we finally got him to sleep lying down, but he had zero interest in the crib. Thus, we began co-sleeping. I can’t recall exactly how long it lasted—perhaps nine months to a year—but after those first few months of sleep deprivation, having a wiggly baby in bed felt like pure bliss.
Interestingly, after all that time spent sitting up, the idea of having him in our bed seemed like a dream come true. Yet, despite this, many parents judged Sarah for our co-sleeping arrangement. They seldom criticized me, even though I was equally involved in the decision. A conversation with a friend at a local gathering stands out; he noticed I looked exhausted and suggested I “talk to Sarah about it,” implying the co-sleeping needed to stop. His opinion leaned heavily on the idea of letting Oliver “cry it out.”
As a new dad and husband, I listened to him, but later I pondered why the blame was placed solely on Sarah. It struck me as unjust to pinpoint one parent, or to assume that I held some authority over the situation.
The truth is, Sarah and I are partners. We argue at times, but that’s part of finding a compromise in our relationship—be it budgeting, chores, or where our child sleeps. No one is to blame for a child’s sleep struggles; it’s simply a reality of parenting. Some children sleep well, while others do not. Holding a parent accountable for their child’s sleepless nights is as unreasonable as blaming gravity when an egg cracks.
I recognize that sleep experts may have differing opinions on this topic, but what parents truly need is support—not judgment or unsolicited advice. The last thing mothers need is to bear the brunt of blame for a child’s sleep issues.
Let’s acknowledge this: I have three kids. My youngest is about to turn four, and unless one of them is ill, they all sleep through the night. Each has co-slept with us for varying durations, with the transitions made when they were ready. Sarah and I collaboratively decided how to handle nighttime parenting for each child, and while it was challenging, it was also rewarding. Parenting young children can be incredibly tough; it can make you want to escape to the woods at times, yet it’s also filled with immense joy.
No parent’s judgment has ever improved my situation; instead, we should focus on what works for our own families and support one another. Children are unique, and it’s essential to trust that parents are doing their best to help them sleep, grounded in mutual agreement. If co-sleeping is what works for a family, then it’s a valid choice.
Ultimately, what we need is more understanding and less criticism. Parenting is one of the hardest journeys, and doing it on little sleep only amplifies the challenge. Let’s build a community that supports and trusts one another.
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Summary
Co-sleeping is a personal choice that should not be a source of shame or blame for parents. Each family must navigate sleep issues in their own way, and understanding and support are essential in this journey.
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