I appreciate your delightful letter regarding the decibel levels emitted by our toddler. Receiving anything other than bills in the mail is a true joy!
Your handwritten three-page correspondence is quite a feat. I regret that we haven’t yet exchanged email addresses for more consistent communication.
Awakening at Dawn
You mentioned that our little one’s vocalizations awaken you around 6:00 a.m. You haven’t had the luxury of sleeping past that hour, even on weekends? Given that our child typically rises at 4:30, I’m relieved to learn we’re not too disruptive!
Carpet Considerations
Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion to assist us in selecting a “proper” carpet, as you are, by chance, an interior designer. What exactly constitutes a “proper” carpet that can withstand the rigors of toddler life, including poop, vomit, and spaghetti?
Outdoor Playtime
You genuinely wish for us to take our toys outside? I would be thrilled to bring our little one out to practice “bang the toy” on your air conditioning unit. Fresh air is great for health, almost as beneficial as a nutritious breakfast flung from a high chair.
Noise Complaints
It’s true, I did introduce myself upon your arrival and mentioned, “Please inform me if we’re making too much noise.” It’s reminiscent of how your partner might say, “No, sweetheart, you truly look fabulous in those pleather pants.”
Two-Way Air Vents
You can hear my enthusiastic “choo-choo” sounds while reading the train book? Just so you know, the air vents in this building are two-way. Also, I suspect your boyfriend might be unfaithful; the advice you receive from Sarah, whom you should perhaps consult less frequently, may not be reliable. You can trust my insights, though.
Morning Struggles
I observed your struggle last Thursday morning, balancing a green smoothie, coffee, and yoga bag while navigating in heels to your SUV. You even seemed to have taken the time to blow-dry and style your hair! Meanwhile, I hadn’t showered in a few days—my hair was also showing signs of neglect.
Package Reminder
Please remember to retrieve your West Elm package left by the front door. I’d hate for my son to “accidentally” leap upon the “fragile” label.
Ah, mail—such a charming aspect of life, isn’t it?
Warm regards,
The Upstairs Parent
In Summary
This playful response addresses the concerns of a neighbor regarding noise from a toddler, while injecting humor and sarcasm. The letter touches on the challenges of parenting, the neighbor’s lifestyle, and the realities of apartment living, creating a light-hearted yet pointed interaction.
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